Addison Road

We shot the pilot episode today for a new reality show, called Wells Fargo: We’ve Made All The Money We Need, And Do Not Want Your Business™. Since it will take a few months for the show to air, I’m posting the transcript here for your entertainment pleasure.

Scene 1: In Which Michael Finds A Car He Wishes To Buy

Gretchen: We should sell your truck and buy a car that can fit our growing family.

Michael: I agree. Also, you’re sexy. Look, here’s the exact car we’ve been talking about, for a reasonable amount of money. It is an environmentally-friendly clean-diesel 2006 Jetta, with low milage. We should buy it.

Gretchen: Let’s buy it.

Michael: Rather than spend the money we have earmarked for a down payment on our first house, let’s go get a car loan to purchase the vehicle. That way we can put more money down on the house, and qualify for a lower interest rate on our mortgage.

Gretchen: That’s a sound financial decision.

Scene 2: In Which Michael Applies For A Car Loan from Wells Fargo

Michael: My wife and I would like to apply for a car loan, so that we can purchase a vehicle for our growing family.

Wells Fargo: OK, let me get some details. How much money do you make annually?

Michael: (an amount that is 6x the purchase price of the vehicle)

Wells Fargo: Excellent. What are your monthly expenses for rent and outstanding loan payments??

Michael: (an amount that is 1/4 of our gross monthly income)

Wells Fargo: Great. It looks like you and your wife have established a sound financial footing for yourselves, one in which your income exceeds your expenses by a reasonable amount.

Michael: Yes, we have.

Wells Fargo: It also looks like you pay all of your bills on time, don’t bounce checks, and have generally conducted yourselves like responsible adults.

Michael: Yes, yes we have.

Wells Fargo: Great! We’re not loaning you the money.

Michael: Excuse me?

Wells Fargo: We’re not loaning you the money.

Michael: Why the $#%&* not?

Wells Fargo: You don’t have enough credit history.

Michael: … credit … history … ?

Wells Fargo: Yes. It shows on your credit report that you haven’t borrowed enough money to qualify to … ya know … borrow money.

Michael: Does it show that we took out a loan on a brand new Saturn 6 years ago, and that we paid it off 3 years later, just like we said we would?

Wells Fargo: Yup.

Michael: I don’t understand

Wells Fargo: Well, you paid it off.

Michael: Yes …

Wells Fargo: So it no longer counts. It doesn’t show us how you will manage your current debts.

Michael: WE MANAGE OUR DEBTS BY PAYING THEM OFF!

Wells Fargo: Yes, it sure looks that way, doesn’t it.

Michael: Does it show that we have a platinum credit card that we pay off every single month? Does it show that the credit limit on that card is high enough that, if we wanted to, we could just charge the car to our card?

Wells Fargo: Well, technically, since you opened that card up under your business, it doesn’t count toward your personal credit history.

Michael: Would you like to guess whose credit record is going to get f’d up if I stop making the payments?

Wells Fargo: Sir, don’t get snippy with me.

Michael: Sweetheart, I haven’t even started to get snippy yet. So, we’re not getting turned down because of bankruptcy, late payments, bounced checks, felony convictions, or bad dental hygiene; we’re getting turned down because we HAVEN’T BORROWED ENOUGH MONEY?

Wells Fargo: Yes sir. We have no way of knowing if you’ll pay back the money you’ve borrowed unless you’ve borrowed lots of money already, and paid some of it back.

Michael: Ok, let’s review. My wife and I will make more money this year than 80% of the people in the county.

Wells Fargo: Yes.

Michael: We pay less than 1/4 of our monthly income in rent and other fixed expenses.

Wells Fargo: Yes.

Michael: It’s not like we’re buying an Bentley here; we’re buying a family sedan for under $20,000 dollars. The payments will be less than $400 a month.

Wells Fargo: Yes. Not excessive at all.

Michael: We have our accounts here with Wells Fargo, and you have the balances in front of you. You know that we could pay cash for this car.

Wells Fargo: Yes.

Michael: And we’ve paid off every dollar we’ve ever borrowed in our entire lives.

Wells Fargo: Yes.

Michael: Can I ask a question?

Wells Fargo: Of course.

Michael: If you aren’t making car loans to people like us, who the hell are you making them to?