Tag Archives: television

Episode 39, In Which I Save The World

… from having to endure one more hackneyed network sitcom.

I got a call last week from a company called “Audience Studies”, offering me the chance to win valuable non-cash prizes in exchange for giving my opinion on a new show. I thought to myself (as I often do), “I watch television. I like valuable non-cash prizes. My opinion is valuable. I’ll do it!”

The DVD arrived. We popped it in ye olde laptope.

And, for the next 15 minutes, sat through the most miserable train-wreck of a sitcom ever. Stop me if you’ve seen this one:

GUIDO: husband, mouth-breathing moron with excessive back hair whose only skills seems to be figuring out mathematically the most offensive and inane thing to say in any given situation, and then saying it. Think New Jersey Italian trashy, but with a bigger beer gut and less hair.

BETTY: wife, peppy, fashionable, and oh so quick with the witty one-liners. We assume that she married Guido in a fit of youthful rebellion, and has been sticking it out for the last 16 years for the sake of the kids.

GREG: best friend of Guido, single, constantly getting Guido into trouble with Betty by suggesting horrible ideas, which Guido then acts out with simple-minded obedience. Serves as intellectual foil for Guido.

JILL: teenage daughter of Betty and Guido, more emotionally stable than either of them. (casting note: should be played by a short 26-year-old, unhealthily obsessed with her own cleavage)

RICKY: preteen son of Betty and Guido, socially awkward genius. With computers, and whatnot.

INT. BREAKFAST TABLE – MORNING

JILL: So dad, what did you get mom for her birthday today?

GUIDO: Same as always, a box of chocolates and a coupon for a free oil change.

(audience laughs)

JILL: Daaaaaaad!

(audience laughs)

GUIDO: What? No good?

JILL: No, dad. The art of gift giving, or Futakaido as the Japanese call it, involves selecting an object that suggests the thematic subtext of the relationship. It should say something about the giver, and something about the receiver, eliciting an unspoken acknowledgement of the relationship between them. (sticks chest out)

GUIDO: Right! That’s why it’s perfect – I know her car needs an oil change, and she likes chocolate!

(audience laughs)

JILL: Daaaaaaad!

(audience laughs)

GUIDO: I’ll never understand you broads!

RICKY: Here Dad (shows him laptop screen). I built a cross-indexed database of mom’s personal preferences, by price and seduction potential. I then hyper-texted a link to the internet shopping, so you can e-buy something for her.

GUIDO: Computers! (throws hands up)

(audience laughs)

JILL: Daaaaaaad!

(audience laughs)

INT. SEEDY BAR – MORNING

GUIDO: … so, anyways, I gots to get something for Betty for hers birthdays.

GREG: The oil-change didn’t work out?

GUIDO: Nah, Jill says I gotta get her something Japanese, like a Futa kaka, or whatever.

(audience laughs)

GREG: Jill said that? Huh. (Pause) Great set of cans on that kid.

(long pause – audience laughs awkwardly)

BARTENDER: Another round?

GUIDO: God yes.

GREG: So you need to get her something Japanese, that symbolizes the relationship, expressing something you like, and something she likes, and you need it by tonight?

GUIDO: Yeah

GREG: I got it! Get her a …

GUIDO: Don’t say stripper!

GREG: … nevermind.

(audience laughs)

GUIDO: Can you for one minute stop thinking about cans and help me out here?

GREG: Sorry – yes. (pause, then abjectly) No.

(audience laughs)

GUIDO: Well, yous clearly ain’t gonna help much. I gotta get to work anyway.

BARTENDER: Here you are, gentlemen.

GUIDO: Can I get that to go?

INT. LIVING ROOM – EVENING

GUIDO: Hey everybody, I’m home!

(Betty, Jill, Ricky enter)

BETTY: Hi sweety! How was work today?

GUIDO: It was good – that new receptionist is such a flirt. She’s hot too. Man, I’d love to just …

JILL: Daaaaaaad!

(audience laughs)

BETTY: Jill, it’s fine, honey. It’s been years since my sense of sexual identity was tied to your father’s interest. Now, my self-perception is constructed entirely from bits and pieces of sexual innuendo cast my way by anonymous gawkers in public places. Why do you think I wear these tight velour sweat-pants with the word “Juicy” on the butt whenever I run errands around town?

GUIDO: Haha! Broads!

(audience laughs, but in a pitiful self-loathing way)

RICKY: So, dad, what did you get Mom for her birthday?

GUIDO: Well, I did like you said, and got her something Japanese (reaches into pocket, pulls out two fistfuls of raw salmon fillet). It’s Sushi! Happy Birthday, baby.

BETTY, JILL, RICKY: Daaaaaaaad! (Jill sticks chest out)

GUIDO: (to camera) What’d I do?

ROLL CREDITS

We actually turned it off after the first 15 minutes, because we couldn’t stand to finish it. It was that awful. When they called back to ask my opinion on the show, I did the only honorable thing: I suggested they buy 3 seasons, and run it opposite Studio 60.

You can thank me when the fall line-up comes out.

Addison Road Video Podcast: Matty’s Demo

So…here’s the story.

I worked for a mega-church from the day I got back from my honeymoon until last July (that’s 6-and-one-half years). Since then, I’ve been trying to run my production company, Doulos Multimedia (author’s note…ordinarily I’d tag the “Doulos Multimedia” with a link to my website, but it hasn’t been created yet). FYI — Doulos is pronounced DOO-lohs — it’s Greek for “servant”.

When people ask what I do, I usually answer with “Motion graphics for film and TV.”

“What the heck does that mean?”

“Funny you should ask. It means I create graphics that move (hence the ‘motion’) and edit videos for TV shows to promote quacks like this guy, documentaries about convicted former CEOs, and a slew of work for corporate training videos and events.”

When working for Calvary Community, I showcased my work in front of about 6000 people each weekend, so I got a lot of work from people saying, “Who did that baptism video? I need one just like it.” The word-of-mouth thing kept me riding pretty high on the hog (compared to church salaries) until two weeks ago, when I returned from two weeks of vacation — something about nobody doing the work that I could be doing while, instead, I’m tanning on a beach in Maui.

Suddenly, for the first time since I left the church, I’m on the offensive. So…the website is finally getting worked on. Phone calls are being made. And my demo finally got finished.

Cue Rod Serling: “Submitted for your approval: A short montage encapsulating the body of work done by Matty, a struggling artist. If done right, his children might eat this week. Done wrong, he may have to go out into the real world and find out what a music degree from Azusa Pacific is really for.”

I’m not really panhandling here. Just looking for some input from the creative community I have come to know and love as Addison. Feel free to chime in with suggestions, critiques, and dirty limericks.

You can check it out here.

Mike, feel free to edit the post at will. Aly, feel free to edit my grammar.