Tag Archives: parody

The Phreakiest Phriday: La Pequeña Sarah Palin

So, Phreaky Phriday seems to have run it’s course. People have pretty much figured out where to find weird stuff on the internet, without needing the soft guiding touch of the roadketeers. I feel a little sad, though, that we didn’t give it a proper burial.

I can think of no better way to close out a fine tradition that with this video. This is, undoubtedly, the phreakiest phriday. Ever. Ladies, Gentlemen, Bobby, I give you:

La Pequiña Sarah Palin

Warning: this video contains some scenes that may not be suitable for children, undergrads, or persons with strong objections to hideous mental imagery. Enjoy!

Episode 39, In Which I Save The World

… from having to endure one more hackneyed network sitcom.

I got a call last week from a company called “Audience Studies”, offering me the chance to win valuable non-cash prizes in exchange for giving my opinion on a new show. I thought to myself (as I often do), “I watch television. I like valuable non-cash prizes. My opinion is valuable. I’ll do it!”

The DVD arrived. We popped it in ye olde laptope.

And, for the next 15 minutes, sat through the most miserable train-wreck of a sitcom ever. Stop me if you’ve seen this one:

GUIDO: husband, mouth-breathing moron with excessive back hair whose only skills seems to be figuring out mathematically the most offensive and inane thing to say in any given situation, and then saying it. Think New Jersey Italian trashy, but with a bigger beer gut and less hair.

BETTY: wife, peppy, fashionable, and oh so quick with the witty one-liners. We assume that she married Guido in a fit of youthful rebellion, and has been sticking it out for the last 16 years for the sake of the kids.

GREG: best friend of Guido, single, constantly getting Guido into trouble with Betty by suggesting horrible ideas, which Guido then acts out with simple-minded obedience. Serves as intellectual foil for Guido.

JILL: teenage daughter of Betty and Guido, more emotionally stable than either of them. (casting note: should be played by a short 26-year-old, unhealthily obsessed with her own cleavage)

RICKY: preteen son of Betty and Guido, socially awkward genius. With computers, and whatnot.

INT. BREAKFAST TABLE – MORNING

JILL: So dad, what did you get mom for her birthday today?

GUIDO: Same as always, a box of chocolates and a coupon for a free oil change.

(audience laughs)

JILL: Daaaaaaad!

(audience laughs)

GUIDO: What? No good?

JILL: No, dad. The art of gift giving, or Futakaido as the Japanese call it, involves selecting an object that suggests the thematic subtext of the relationship. It should say something about the giver, and something about the receiver, eliciting an unspoken acknowledgement of the relationship between them. (sticks chest out)

GUIDO: Right! That’s why it’s perfect – I know her car needs an oil change, and she likes chocolate!

(audience laughs)

JILL: Daaaaaaad!

(audience laughs)

GUIDO: I’ll never understand you broads!

RICKY: Here Dad (shows him laptop screen). I built a cross-indexed database of mom’s personal preferences, by price and seduction potential. I then hyper-texted a link to the internet shopping, so you can e-buy something for her.

GUIDO: Computers! (throws hands up)

(audience laughs)

JILL: Daaaaaaad!

(audience laughs)

INT. SEEDY BAR – MORNING

GUIDO: … so, anyways, I gots to get something for Betty for hers birthdays.

GREG: The oil-change didn’t work out?

GUIDO: Nah, Jill says I gotta get her something Japanese, like a Futa kaka, or whatever.

(audience laughs)

GREG: Jill said that? Huh. (Pause) Great set of cans on that kid.

(long pause – audience laughs awkwardly)

BARTENDER: Another round?

GUIDO: God yes.

GREG: So you need to get her something Japanese, that symbolizes the relationship, expressing something you like, and something she likes, and you need it by tonight?

GUIDO: Yeah

GREG: I got it! Get her a …

GUIDO: Don’t say stripper!

GREG: … nevermind.

(audience laughs)

GUIDO: Can you for one minute stop thinking about cans and help me out here?

GREG: Sorry – yes. (pause, then abjectly) No.

(audience laughs)

GUIDO: Well, yous clearly ain’t gonna help much. I gotta get to work anyway.

BARTENDER: Here you are, gentlemen.

GUIDO: Can I get that to go?

INT. LIVING ROOM – EVENING

GUIDO: Hey everybody, I’m home!

(Betty, Jill, Ricky enter)

BETTY: Hi sweety! How was work today?

GUIDO: It was good – that new receptionist is such a flirt. She’s hot too. Man, I’d love to just …

JILL: Daaaaaaad!

(audience laughs)

BETTY: Jill, it’s fine, honey. It’s been years since my sense of sexual identity was tied to your father’s interest. Now, my self-perception is constructed entirely from bits and pieces of sexual innuendo cast my way by anonymous gawkers in public places. Why do you think I wear these tight velour sweat-pants with the word “Juicy” on the butt whenever I run errands around town?

GUIDO: Haha! Broads!

(audience laughs, but in a pitiful self-loathing way)

RICKY: So, dad, what did you get Mom for her birthday?

GUIDO: Well, I did like you said, and got her something Japanese (reaches into pocket, pulls out two fistfuls of raw salmon fillet). It’s Sushi! Happy Birthday, baby.

BETTY, JILL, RICKY: Daaaaaaaad! (Jill sticks chest out)

GUIDO: (to camera) What’d I do?

ROLL CREDITS

We actually turned it off after the first 15 minutes, because we couldn’t stand to finish it. It was that awful. When they called back to ask my opinion on the show, I did the only honorable thing: I suggested they buy 3 seasons, and run it opposite Studio 60.

You can thank me when the fall line-up comes out.

A Totally Unbiased Blog Retrofit By A Guy Who Just Finished 7 Days of New Faculty Indoctrination

Last Thursday was my final day of New Faculty Indocrination at (University Name Withheld, in the interest of continued employment), and I realized that many of the new educational theories that were being promoted during that time can be applied, with great effect, to how we run this blog. My hope is that you will find the following new guidelines an aid to you as you attempt to carry forward this blog’s mission of Actualizing Reader Experience.

1) Post Summaries

Prior to submitting a post, please submit a brief summary of your intended post. This will generally be 8 or 9 pages, and must include the following: when you intend to publish the post, the primary points of your post, a detailed correlation of how each of those points relates to the mission of the blog (Actualizing Reader Experience), and a catalog of “objective and measurable reader outcomes”. Please also include the blog mission statement, the blog integrity policy, and your own policy for reader assessment.

This post summary must be received at least 6 months prior to posting, and will be reviewed by both the Blog Posting Committee (Paul T. Reisser, Chair) and the Blog Posting Summary Committee (Aly Hawkins, Chair). Any errors in spelling, grammar, punctuation, or content will result in the summary being rejected. If your summary is rejected, you will receive notification with 3 months, detailing the reasons for that rejection, so that you can make changes and resubmit.

2) Emerging Church Worldview Integration

This blog began as an exploration of the Emerging Church Movement. Recently, we’re expanded to cover a multitude of other topics, including Music, Apple Computers, Art Review, Nostalgia, and Blasphemy. While we recognize that these are all signs of a healthy, growing blog, we want to make sure that we stay true to our original mission. Therefore, 30% of the content in every post must consist of “Emerging Church Worldview”. One of the distinctives of this blog is our unique Emerging Church Worldview, and we firmly believe that every topic we post on should be overtly saturated with this distinctive.

For example, say you have decided to post on the fact that Apple has released three new commercials in their humorous “PC vs. Mac” series. After giving the link, you might include the following statement:

“One of the reasons why Apple is embraced by the Emerging Church Movement is because of its strong identification of design (form) with function (content). Both Andrew Jones and Ryan Bolger have examined the premise that the ECM constructs worshipping communities that follow that same value.”

Or, say you’re posting a movie review for Snakes on a Plane (Review? How about just one word: Samuel L. Awesome!). You might include the following in your post:

“Snakes on a Plane might be the first movie to have a cult following prior to its actual release. This is due in no small part to its immediate embrace by the blog-o-sphere, and subsequent use as a meme. The Emerging Church Movement also uses blogs. Samuel L. Jackson decided to take the role when he …. “

See how easy, and non-forced, that is? We hope this new standard for Emerging Church Worldview Integration will be a positive and uplifting guide for you as you prepare your posts.

3) Strengths Based Posting

One of the challenges of this blog is our desire to embrace a readership with a wide range of personal strengths and non-strengths (formerly called “weaknesses”). We recognize that each person is unique in their mix of personal attributes, and we want to make sure that the content we are presenting is accessible to all people.

In order to maximize the accessibility of the content, each post will be submitted three times: once as an analytical, fact based piece; once as an emotive, relational piece; and once as a pictograph. For example, the news that Pluto is no longer a planet would need to be blogged about in all of the following ways:

(Analytical) “Pluto does not meet the orbital standards established by IAU for a planetary class object, and is therefore now a member of the class ‘Dwarf Planet’.”

(Emotive) “A group of scientists didn’t feel like Pluto should be a planet, so they all decided to start calling it a ‘Dwarf Planet’. How do you feel about this?”

(Pictograph)

pluto

This way, the content is accessible to people with a wide range of comprehension strengths!

4) Comprehensive Posting Assessment

A significant portion of the Google AdSense income from this blog will be diverted to fund a new “Comprehensive Posting Assessment” team. In order to fully implement these new guidelines and strategies, we need a method for assigning numbers to the effectiveness of blog posts in each of the areas mentioned.

We’ve rounded up the finest statisticians, software engineers, PHP programmers, and graphic designers, and asked them to design a system of assessment for determining how effective each blog post is at achieving the “reader outcomes” listed in the post summary.

We’ll have more details later on what this assessment looks like. Since most of the people on the assessment team have never really seen a blog before, the first few months will be spent orienting them to the language and culture of the new media. We’re confident, though, that their comprehensive understanding of both math (including prime numbers!), and of the technology that hosts the blog (php, apache, etc.), will make them very effective at developing an assessment strategy.

In Conclusion …

Thank you for taking the time to review the new blog policies. I know we’re all on the same page when I say that Actualizing Reader Experience is our number one priority here at Addison Road, and I’m confident that the best way to improve reader experience is through detailed micromanagement of every aspect of the posting process.

Either that, or I would somehow have to just recruit good writers, and then let them write.

Nah.

20c Music

for anyone who has ever had to read through a muddled pretencious 20th century composition, enjoy. Be sure to read the instructions throughout the score. Sharolyn, make sure Jason sees this. And Phil, didn’t you do the copy-work on this piece?

Phreaky Phriday: Clash of the Skin-Tite Gospels

Everybody remember our friend Carla Rolfe, from EmergentNo, the one who’s pretty sure that we’re all going to hell because we’re not pre-millenial dispensational, truly reformed inerrantists? Well, apparently, she’s trying to raise some scratch for her fancy web-site thingy, and she’s doing it by selling skin-tight camisoles with the 5 “Solas” emblazoned across the bossomly area. Seriously. Go buy yours today. (Anybody wanna custom one for me that ends with “Sola Hot!”

Picture 1-21

Let it never be said that we younger folks don’t learn at the feet of our elders. Stephanie Woodward at Oh Me of Little Faith has posted the first in her new line of designer jeans for emergents:

I know what somebody’s getting for Mother’s day!