Once a year, the government decides that, instead of being a competent musician and decent professor, I should spend several hours pretending to be an accountant. It’s Gretchen’s favorite time of year, because she sits huddled up in the corner of the couch glancing over with frightened puppy-dog eyes as I make bellowing grunts of frustration every 10 seconds. The only way I get through it is by drinking several beers, and getting progressively more and more hammered as the night goes on. By the time I’m finished, I’m making such staggeringly brilliant connections as:
- Childcare costs incurred while Gretchen is working as a florist are deductible, and
- I frequently watch the kids while she is doing a wedding, and
- I pretty much always take them to the LA Zoo on those days, which means
- We should be able to deduct the cost of our Annual Pass to the zoo as a childcare related expense!
By the time the evening is over, I’m pretty much too sloshed to legally sign my name to anything, so I leave everything scattered on the table, stagger off to bed, and wonder why there is a special deduction category for payments received as part of a settlement agreement pertaining to the Ottoman Empire.
By the way, if anyone asks, I went ahead and listed all 198 of you as dependents. If you could just email me your social security numbers, that would be great.
Daniel Semsen 7:44 am on 7 April 2008 Permalink
mine is 123-45-6789
you’re welcome.
Bobby 7:50 am on 7 April 2008 Permalink
I don’t send mine digitally, it’s just not secure. I did send you a postcard though.
I legally ought not to mention anything about taxes. Although we did finally pay 2005 off this year.
Chad 9:31 am on 7 April 2008 Permalink
I can wholeheartedly recommend a system like this:
You (the man) get pretty good at earning money. You (the man) convince your wife that you’re really bad with managing money. Your wife, empowered to save the family, manages the money. Repeat.
Trust me, there are still plenty of excuses for drinky-time.
Eric 10:51 am on 7 April 2008 Permalink
“…why [is] there…a special deduction category for payments received as part of a settlement agreement pertaining to the Ottoman Empire?”
Because the Turkish government takes offense at the words “Armenian genocide…”
Chad, my wife keeps all the finances, pays all the bills (earns more than half the income, too), and I still end up doing the taxes.
Chad 12:13 pm on 7 April 2008 Permalink
Eric -
Work harder to prove your incompetence. Aim for the stars, young Padawan.
Gretchen 1:56 pm on 7 April 2008 Permalink
I help pay the bills on time, keep files organized, transfer money, even make some of it putting purty flowers together. However, I cannot help but get completely and emotionally involved with finances. I am a failure as a wife and mother when some column is off or I’m not sure where the file I know I keep all of our deductions in has gone. It’s a bit ridiculous and I’m always in awe of women like Beth or Erica who have it down. I’m soooo grateful to have Mike who doesn’t like to do it, but does it anyway.
june 3:51 pm on 7 April 2008 Permalink
The depth of my hate for all things taxy, checkbooky, receipty and calculating is immeasurable. Writing only a couple checks the other day (one to our son’s piano teacher who had to let me know last week that I’d forgotten to pay her for the month of February. Case in point.) had me muttering “I can’t wait for heaven…” To which said teacher responded, “Some would say we are all making our own heaven here and now.” To which I said, “Well, if that’s the case, I’m doing a super crappy job of it!” Hell may well be one giant, required form after another.
Cerise 4:38 pm on 7 April 2008 Permalink
Your son’s piano teacher said that?
Were I in such a mood as yours at that instance, I would have…you know…thought hard about breaking her fingers or something.
sharolyn 4:45 pm on 7 April 2008 Permalink
Our solution to all this mess = pay someone else to do it. It’s great.
Mike, I can’t believe the Ottoman Empire thing was real!
I do remember one year using Turbo Tax and it kept telling us to simply enter the name of the child we had adopted and we’d be done. I would uncheck the box, go to print, and the box would be checked. It was certain this was the case.
How much could I have saved if my adopted child was a descendant of a survivor of the “unfortunate events of 1915″?
sharolyn 4:47 pm on 7 April 2008 Permalink
“Some would say we are all making our own heaven here and now.”
Then I guess she doesn’t need your money. ;)
michael lee 8:24 pm on 7 April 2008 Permalink
Next year we’ll pay someone else to do it. It’s quickly getting more complicated than I can handle. With multiple jobs, two self-employed businesses (music and flowers), and trying to figure out the appreciating value of my vast collection of loose cables and power adapters, I’m usually just making up numbers most of the time.
Stick 9:59 pm on 7 April 2008 Permalink
Yeah, the beauty of paying someone to do it, is then they’ll go to bat for your made up numbers in case of an audit.
I consider it well worth the $350 I pay my guy to do it. Of course, it still means I’ve got to sort through the entire year’s worth of bank statements and credit card bills to see what I can deduct.
We had to pay some this time, which only means I need to buy more studio gear this year.
june 10:05 pm on 7 April 2008 Permalink
In an effort towards making your own heaven?
Good luck with that hon.
sharolyn 10:13 pm on 7 April 2008 Permalink
“With multiple jobs”
We’re wallpapering with W-2s.
corey 10:16 pm on 7 April 2008 Permalink
“To which said teacher responded, ‘Some would say we are all making our own heaven here and now.’”
All I can think of is profanity. But I’m really working on not being such an ass to people who don’t deserve it (which is everyone). I guess we’re all called to our own little fits of evangelism.
And btw, June, kudos for not laughing or cussing or punching her in the mouth or taking your check back or responding with a passive/aggressive but mocking retort… or whatever else the least among us would do.
Beth 10:33 pm on 7 April 2008 Permalink
Ahhhh, taxes. This is the only time of year when it is so much easier to be poor and having a fourth kid seems like a good idea. I’m all about the deductions. Mike, I’m glad to hear you make up numbers… me too… you were kidding weren’t you?
and…
Gretchen,
1) thanks for the compliment but I DO NOT have it all down. I have been doing 2007 taxes since early March. I keep hoping to find more deductions.
2) Happy, Happy Birthday!!!!! I’m in awe that you send out b-day cards- I stink at that.
Zack 9:52 am on 8 April 2008 Permalink
Yeah, I got a lady who gladly manages my financial chaos. She’s fantastic. I just throw a bag of receipts and other mysterious-looking papers (I think they’re called 1099’s? I dunno) and few hundred dollars at her, and she magically makes shit happen.
Bonus: Since Sara and I work in the ‘Entertainment Industry”, we can write off the most absurd stuff. Like DVD’s, movie and concert tickets, etc. I wrote off a set of new/old vintage stock vacuum tubes for my guitar amp this year. Woot!
michael lee 10:25 am on 8 April 2008 Permalink
Yeah, my favorite little self-employed bonus is that the medical insurance premiums I pay over and above my benefits at APU, to cover the family, can be deducted from Gretchen’s business income as a cost for providing medical care to her employees (herself!) and their families (us!).
Oh, also, I try to make the case that I can really only play awesome piano parts when blitzed, so the cost of my whiskey is a business expense. Makes sense to me, at 3 am.
Chad 11:54 am on 8 April 2008 Permalink
And you’re worried about US making comments that your students might read?
Leonard 12:49 pm on 8 April 2008 Permalink
Sounds like instead of proofing your tax return you 100 proofed your tax return.
Josiah Mor 5:24 pm on 8 April 2008 Permalink
598-…..Oh…..wait! I am not falling for this again!
corey 6:29 pm on 8 April 2008 Permalink
buh-dump, psssshhh. Try the veal, and don’t forget to tip your waitress…
:)
Chad 8:42 pm on 8 April 2008 Permalink
Josiah -
I have some Nigerian Ocean Front Property for sale if you’re interested…
corey 8:35 am on 9 April 2008 Permalink
sorry- the drum hit was for Leonard’s comment. But it posted late, so now the joke’s on me. :)
michael lee 11:05 pm on 14 April 2008 Permalink
Round 2 was tonight – figuring out how to report a vehicle that was used 2 years ago as a business vehicle by both Gretchen and I, then last year was converted to use just by her, and then sold this year.
Why do people simply accept this kind of interference by the government? I’m serious. Why should it take 40 hours and an accounting degree for two people to fulfill their tax obligations? Why do we just throw up our hands and accept that we have to pay hundreds of dollars for an expert to handle it for us?
It is almost at the point where the burden of just PAYING taxes exceeds the financial burden of the taxes themselves (and I’m no fan of that either, by the way). This is a broken system. It has become an attempt at social engineering through tax code, which frustrates and perverts the simple intent.
You want my vote? FIX THE TAX SYSTEM!
Gretchen 12:06 pm on 15 April 2008 Permalink
So I have a daily flip calendar in the bathroom. I found it funny and ironic (or maybe not) that for today April 15th, tax day, it has two quotes:
“This is my Father’s world, O let me ne’er forget That though the wrong seems oft so strong, God is the ruler yet” -M.D. Babcock
“But the Lord is faithful, he will strengthen and protect you from the evil one.”-II Thes. 3:3
nice.