Is anyone else deeply uncomfortable with the willingness of many people to humiliate themselves for fame? I’m all for fame, understand… just not at any cost (human dignity, for instance).

This is why afternoon talk shows always struck me as odd. “I’m cheating on my wife with her grandfather… Maybe Oprah can help me sort this out.”

What could be more healing than the harsh glare of 10 million voyeuristic and judgmental housewives?

Hi, my name’s Chad. I am a moderately responsible member of society. I have been successfully married for nearly a decade. I have two beautiful and happy children. I have experienced somewhere between moderate and notable success as a musician, earning my entire living in that trade for the aforementioned decade.

…and I am an American Idol addict.

(Hi Chad…)

Minus Kelly Clarkson, I have never, ever, purchased a song, or album from an American Idol contestant. I have however, according to YouTube, accompanied one on piano. For the record, Since U Been Gone is perhaps the most perfectly executed pop song of the past 10 years, in my ever so humble opinion.

Every year I go through the same thing during the audition shows. I have deeply invested, fully-articulated fantasies about auditioning, even though I am now three years older then the cut-off age. I think about what I’d wear, what I’d tell the screeners, what I’d tell the judges, and what I’d sing, and how I’d sing it (Van Morrison’s Crazy love, slowed into a sultry sex jam.) While watching the auditions, I always snap along, to see if they can hold a tempo. No… is the usual answer. My audition would have groove for days.

Two weeks ago, I went on a five mile run, and I literally could not stop playing it out in my head. Must have been all those endorphins. On a side note, once you train your body past the discomfort of exercise, I can tell you that 40-50 minutes of running is the best place to get your ideas, stir creativity, gain clarity on personal matters, engage in prayer, or all at the same time.

The strange thing is that I don’t think I’d actually like being on the show. All that cheese would eventually just drive me insane. I’d want to hang out with the band instead of the media. Don’t even get me started on those effing Ford “Music Videos” that they do later in the season. Somewhere, Chris Daughtry is curled into a little ball, weeping softly and repeatedly washing his hands.

Fame, for me, is something that actually scares me more then turns me on. Being a music pastor (or any sort of pastor) is a little taste of celebrity-hood. Everyone thinks they know you, and deserve a piece of you. Everyone has ideas about how you should “Use your Ministry,” which IMO is just a phrase that is Christianese for fame. This may strike some of you as hopelessly cynical, and I am, but that doesn’t make me wrong… :)

What does turn me on, and what is spurring me to write and perform with Erica, and make a run at this, is 2 things: First, there is a truly magical, spiritual experience when a musician or group of musicians makes a genuine connection with an audience or congregation. When a performance or worship experience is not about fixing some epic personality defect in either the singer or the listener, and is instead about connecting through music, God is present. “God made me fast, and when I run, I feel his pleasure.” That sorta thing…

Second, I crave the respect and acknowledgement of my peers… and I think this is what fuels my bizarre Idol Audition fetish. I do not daydream about standing on the stage at the Kodak.

I’d want Randy to know that I understand pocket and feel. I’d want Simon to know that I understand how to sell a song and work a room. I’d want Paula to know… well… I’d just want her see that you can be an artist and not be insane.

Wow. This is awkward. Several long paragraphs about American Idol. Did I mention I love The White Stripes. Oooh! The Weepies are really cool, too. Ray LaMontange? Anyone? I’m also hip to Wilco, Bright Eyes, Damian Rice, D’Angelo, Death Cab, Derek Webb, Mute Math, Lily Allen and Lyle Lovett.

May I please have my indie cred back now? No? Well screw you. The top twelve girls are on tonight. I don’t need you.

Hey, so I felt the need to validate my taste by listening to Since U Been Gone in iTunes, and I forgot about another great Kelly Clarkson tune. Remember the song “Low” from her first record? That is a killer, killer vocal.

Chad, I have to say that I feel you on all points, except that I HATE Bright Eyes. But then, I never had any indie cred…

I have American Idol fantasies as well, but the real selling points to a voice that Americans seem to want to hear (mostly the big, loud wail that lasts forever and usually leads into a key change as everyone claps) I don’t have. I don’t want. So there goes that. Plus, I don’t look like anything resembling a star and I’m too old.

OK, I’m kind of depressed now.

It’s funny… I actually don’t love Bright Eyes either. I sort of grudgingly respect him. I hate to say it, but I’m the same way with Dylan. I understand why he’s Dylan, I’ve just never gotten my soul pierced by him. Except for Ring them Bells, but it was the First Call version that did it for me.

Oh yeah. I said it. I liked First Call. Suck it, indie snobs.

Ramon and I had a talk about that, actually, First Call. Their early stuff just tears us to pieces and we pontificate together about the matchless thrill of listening to musicians that tight.

I think I’ve been saved from Idol Craze by our lack of TV. I’m glad about - I probably couldn’t stomach the anxiety. I get incredibly nervous for people with bright, shiny, hopeful faces who (you can tell before they open their mouths) couldn’t sing their way out of an unsealed paper bag. (This is why I drink a lot when we karaoke. And also, I like to drink.) It also throws me off that many of the contestants seem unprepared for what they know is coming… I mean, really: You haven’t noticed that people get up to sing and then get criticized for it? How are you surprised right now?

I think it would affect me less if American Idol was a clarinet- or harmonica-playing contest. There’s something inhuman about letting someone front on your voice - a part of you - while you stand there and take it.

I just want to say right now that I don’t actually watch the show. I can’t bloody take it, as Aly said, plus the whole idea kind of pisses me off. I do not believe in musical competitions. I believe in healthy competition within music - it’s unavoidable and divides the adult persons from the younger persons, but not freaking talent shows where you win a number on a list. I think it’s destructive and harmful - anathema to what music and art really MEAN - and…I lost big-time in a NATS competition once and it set me back years and years emotionally. I still don’t care for opera, just because I didn’t practice “Una Voce Poco Fa” enough and choked on the effing A flat. So yeah, I think competitions in music are pretty much the devil and I won’t watch or participate.

Aly -

I think, unfortunately, that the end of the writer’s strike has diminished our chances of seeing the thrilling premiere of Harmonica Idol.

The world isn’t fair.

I’d agree with the past half dozen comments and add that many of our musical favorites (and legendary artists) wouldn’t have made it through the first round of American Idol. There’s something that’s a little too homogenized about the artists that eventually go on to the finals (and/or win). I love bubble gum pop, but it’s a guilty pleasure. So I can’t get right with the whole premise.

And while we’re also using this as group therapy- I also have daydreams and fantasies about auditioning, but they always end with the three judges berating my looks and my lack of talent while I stand there sobbing… you know, while my children, wife, friends, and employers watch on television. *shudder*

So, I happened to catch a clip on MTV about that kid that lived in his car this morning. He didn’t fit the mold of AI and got dropped (and he tanked his last audition). But, he’s perfect for MTV and that marketing machine. That’s why the cheeze and obvious “pop superstar” bent to AI doesn’t bug me. We KNOW that’s what they’re after. If you don’t fit that mold, you aren’t going to get super far. For example, Taylor Hicks was different and out of the mold, but did he sell records? No. Kelly is the perfect AI. Clay was close. Reuben? No.

Can I just add, DVR is AWESOME! We watched a Colbert Report, a Dinner:Impossible, and the whole 2 hour AI in the time that AI was on live. Now we just need a hi-def LCD in the living room.

Your post is disqualified due to excessive use of acronyms.

rotflmao

Well, I mean the whole time I thought he was talking about Artificial Intelligence…I can see why Clay and Reuben wouldn’t qualify, but still.

OK, just kidding.

I like it when they make them cry…

As one of the few here who doesn’t sing, I find this all quite fascinating.

I fantasize about lush gallery openings where people mean what they say and everything is marked ’sold’ within the first hour and people are moved to be better versions of themselves through viewing the images I made. That’s kinda like nailing the A flat in Una Voce Poco Loco or whatever, right?

June, as you and Stick know, I’ve been working on my own art project for years now. I wrote the songs 5 years ago. Started tracking drums 4 years ago. Started tracking guitars 3 years ago. Started tracking vocals 2 years ago. Started mixing over a year ago. And now I’m avoiding the prompting of the mixer when he asks, “when can I get some more tracks?” I just had a buddy offer to sing all of the bgv’s on it, which is cool, but it gets me closer to finishing. Which is the scary part. Because then it’ll be done and I’ll fantasize that people will hear it and mean what they say and I would actually sell copies within the first hour and people would be moved to be better versions of themselves because of the music I had made. *sigh* And the worst part of this is that you’re a painter. An artist. I’m a guitar player. And a design/advertising guy. Oh yeah, and I have an mBox with an academic discount version of ProTools-lite.

Sorry- it’s a bit of a rant, but the American Idol thing brings out the worst of my baggage.

Corey, in comment #2 you confused Oprah with Jerry Springer.

In case there is ever a Sousaphone Idol:
http://www.theonion.com/content/news/activision_reports_sluggish_sales

Let’s all go karaoke-ing, drink (or vice versa), and listen to Chad sing Crazy Love.

Nice link, Sharolyn.

Corey, just finish it. Then you can start on the next one, available on iTunes in 2015.

Sharolyn, no I didn’t. She just might be the antichrist.

Sharolyn, are you guys coming down here sometime soon, or did I miss something?

I kill Crazy Love. Kill it dead.

Corey, Don’t mess with The Oprah!! :)

Chad, I am doing the Long Beach/APU thing in May, and very much looking forward to it. I hope you and Erica are singing at that, too. And I selfishly don’t care what Bryan and Aly’s political convictions are, I just hope they sing Americana right up there with us. I would sing crappy, crappy music if it meant I got to hang out with you all for a weekend.

It’s gonna rock.

To be fair, I don’t think anyone has a problem singing Americana, but instead a problem singing militaristic Americana.

Interesting. Bryan and Aly’s political convictions differ greatly from everyone else’s here, Sharolyn? I did not know that.

Michael, Chad: which of you sang Walkin’ in Memphis at Aly and Bryan’s birthday party that one time? I know you both sang songs around the beginning of the karaoke session and KILLED them (and I thought: “Oh dear me. Please, god, don’t make me get up there” - fat lot of good that prayer did), but I can’t remember which songs you sang. Of course you both remember - out with it.

On the nose, Michael - I just can’t imagine myself singing “At ‘em, boys… give ‘em the gun!” ever again.

Okay, I can imagine it. But I can also imagine self-trepanation. I have a very vivid imagination.

Is there a rep list yet for the Long Beach thing?

‘Rise - “Walkin’ in Memphis” was definitely Chad. It’s one of his signature karaoke tunes.

Ah, thank you, darling. Now I just have to puzzle out what Michael sang. I was eager especially to hear the four of you (Ash is the fourth) and was so very NOT disappointed. God. What a night.

I’m sad to know that moment (Memphis) happened and I missed it! Do we need to move down there?!

Of course I don’t doubt that it happened, but when was the “at ‘em, boys” Americana event? I was probably too busy laughing at jokes in the peanut gallery to notice.

Cerise, I sang “Bitch”, and polished off an entire bottle of wine between the 1st and 2nd chorus.

Yes, even my Ramon was impressed. He’s hard to wow.

That’s right!! Oh, the chops on you. The burning irony, the chugging of the Chuck…

What’s the DEAL with my memory? How could I have forgotten that? Oh yeah. I was doing my own chugging - darn Aly and her icy pitchers of differently-flavored martinis.

backing up a bit…
The first sure sign that you might be the antichrist: people put the word “The” in front of your name.

Corey, I hold the same belief about you-know-who.

Aly - I care about your political convictions. I think that came out wrong earlier.

“The Oprah” is from SNL skits. I just want the fun parts of her job. You know - “You get a car, and you get a car…”

While Chad is running and thinking of American Idol, I’m at the gym imagining I’m Barbara Walters. But then again, I can’t sing Crazy Love like he does. :)

“Of course I don’t doubt that it happened, but when was the “at ‘em, boys” Americana event? I was probably too busy laughing at jokes in the peanut gallery to notice.”

The Military Medley of each of the Armed Forces Theme Songs. Long Beach Pops with UC (no O ) probably 1997.

Sharolyn -

We’re already in. Darren King made some not-so-veiled threats regarding my presence. We wouldn’t miss it for the world.

As for, “At ‘em boys… give her the gun…”

Perhaps it’s a negative reflection of my personality, but it’s not a problem for me. I chalk it up to singing songs from another era, which is pretty much what you sing in choir. I sing the High School Musical gigs with total conviction as well, but I don’t really have a lot invested in Troy and Gabriela’s evolving romance.

However…. I get hung up on songs from time to time, so despite my flippant paragraph above, I totally understand the Y in the road on some of these things. There is something about having to smile and sing something when you’d rather bite off the tip of your tongue. I get that. It’s just, for me, not the case in this particular context. The ends far surpass the means.

I remember singing it 11 years ago and having to stifle my giggles… give her the gun indeed. boys. Since Darren’s going to be there, I will most likely be giggling again.

look forward to singing with you guys again- Letitia convinced me…

I’m looking forward to it as wel- oh, wait. I have no idea what the hell you’re all talking about.

Corey, we’re fringe. Guess we should be glad they let us in at all.

Corey and June, I am totally fringe. Any connections are very old-school (I haven’t seen Aly in 4/5 years) (Chad looks like a different person) with this upcoming reunion. I am coming sans children so looking forward to acting like I did 10-12 years ago. Only, hopefully sounding a little smarter. And stuff.

June and Corey, please don’t interrupt. The growed ups are talking.

Ass.
Corey and June, ignore the man behind the curtain.

Long Beach Pops has invited the University Choir from APU to participate in a Concert with them, where the theme has now been determined to be Americana. This is great and all, and something UC has done in the past. Unfortunately, the concert is the last weekend of May, and APU gets out the first weekend in May. So, half the choir (or whoever doesn’t live in the area) will be gone. Rod Cathey (the director) invited Alumni to join up w/choir again to fill it out and join in the fun.

Gretchen called Mike an ass…tee hee hee!

Corey, if we could be there, B and I would happily meet up with you and Beth at the concert and we could all heckle and mock them throughout their Americana extravaganza.

Oooh, I might want to be in that group. Well, actually, I feel like it might be more fun to mock it from the stage, in the form of big, stupid grins. I’m not taking my earrings out, by the way.

I bet that you guys could just call Rod and pretend like you know what you’re talking about, and just show up. That’d be awesome. We could give you names and polaroids beforehand, so you could like just walk up to people and start talking about events that they remember, and we could just sit back and enjoy the confusion.

Cccccooooooooonnnn-FeewwwOOOO-SHUN!

That last bit was for Mike Lee, only, I’m afraid. :)

You mean alumni were invited because there weren’t enough numbers?! I’m shocked. I thought they wanted my beautiful singing voice.

Is Mike going to sing, or give us a bassoon encore? ;)

I’m conducting. We haven’t worked out all the details yet, but Rod came to me as was basically like, “Mike, the Long Beach people called and said they don’t have anyone that can handle music this challenging. And I realized that the only person I know who is a good enough conductor to do it is you, in the whole of LA. Please, Mike, will you conduct the Long Beach Symphony and UCO?”

And I was like, “No Rod, my place is with the people, in the choir.”

And Rod was like, “But you’re so much better than them! And Sexy! Just look at your shoes, they’re awesome. Please, Michael, please.”

And I said, “No, Rod, even though I am possibly the best conductor in the world, I think that I’m even more valuable to you as your lead tenor.”

And Rod said, “Well that’s true, you are also an amazing tenor vocal singer. But Michael, if you don’t conduct, who will? My god, man, some of these songs CHANGE METER IN THE MIDDLE! Nobody else knows how to DO that!”

And I was alls, “Well, I’ll have to pray about it.”

And Rod was like, “Think of the children, Michael. Do it for the children.”

So, long story short, they agreed to pay me $29,000 to conduct the whole show, and I get to have an unlimited supply of Yoo-hoo in my green room, just for me.

Don’t you touch my Yoo-hoo

(smiles and eye rolls)

So you’re really conducting? This keeps getting weirder. It’s like that commercial where the guy dreams he’s at the kitchen table with Abe Lincoln and a beaver.

I want to sit in the front row, right under the conductor’s podium and count out loud on the wrong beats.

And again I’m faced with a dilemma as to which would be more fun, watching stick from the stage or the back.

Hmmm.

[snicker] Sharo said ‘beaver’.

I’ve literally laughed at nearly every comment since, like, 15 comments ago. Or 20. You guys are very funny people.

[snicker] Cerise said ‘Sharo’.