My psyche hates me before a show

You have no talent worse yet you have no skill worse yet people secretly know this but no one is telling you even the people who have purchased your work and can’t stop gushing on about it are really just a part of a well hidden secret plan called ‘let’s just be nice to June but not tell her she sucks as an artist (cuz’ didn’t she have some weird, big head injury awhile back or something like that?)’ and no one except your husband and your mother-in-law are going to come to this show and no one is going to ‘get it’ and certainly no one is going to buy anything and if they do it means you’re not really an artist anyway which you well know and if you really loved your kids you wouldn’t have played Go Fish with them only twice today and Bingo only once and made homemade pizza for them but you would’ve instead not painted at all today and how many times in the last week do you think your husband has internally rolled hie eyes and somewhere deep, deep, deep down wished he’d married one of those nice midwestern girls who love to cook and are babymakers and who think sports are fun to watch and buy regular milk instead of organic and are you forgetting that all these paintings are stupid and infantile and look like your preschooler made them and people are just going to smile and tell you how great they all are and how great you are and how great the desserts are and how great the setting is and how great it is that you do this because what the frikkity do you expect people to say when you’re standing right there and they are looking at your sorry excuse for a piece of art and thinking ‘what the frikkity is she thinking…I could so do this’ because they are they really are they really no kidding seriously are a part of that secert ‘be nice to June even though she sucks’ plan.

Saturday, November 3rd, 7:00pm in Auburn, CA: my next show.

19 thoughts on “My psyche hates me before a show

  1. Gretchen

    wow. nobody else thinks this way. nope. nobody. we’re all completely sane and don’t ever have this train of thought.

    well said.

    How I truly wish I could see your work in person. Can’t wait to see what wonderful thing you’ve created for Mike’s office. Also can’t wait to hear you debrief at the Getty a week after your show ;)

    BTW, Sophia loves looking at your site at all the “pretty leaf and water pictures mommy”. Nice.

  2. Stick

    Yeah, not to mention that my parents come into town the day of the show, plus we’re leaving for a week on Monday. It’s funny how everything hits the fan all at once every time.

    Babe, you paint good. It makes my life much better to see your paintings in our house and in my studio. That’s the point right?

  3. June Post author

    You all are kind. Er, I mean, you two are kind.

    97.3% of the time I’m quite secure. It’s just that 2.7% that kicks in 3 days before a show…when I’ve been spending a loooot of time with my paint. Oddly enough, it’s temporary and within a day or two I’ll be back to my ‘ya’ll can go hang’, er, I mean, my confident, secure self.

    “Babe, you paint good” is a memorable quote. Thanks. And yes, my point is to make your life “much better.”

    Gretchen, I veeeeery much look forward to debriefing. One of the best ways to debrief is to repeat quotables…recently someone looked at one of my pieces and then said, “So, how do you do that?” I was at such a loss for words (mark it down)…all I could think of was “Well, you get some paint on a brush…”
    (I didn’t say that.)

    Tell Sophia that I’m going to update my site this week…and a portion of the piece for Mike’s office will be on the front page. And again Mike, your piece is leaf-free, lest you’re worried. Floral, but no leaves. Oh, and did I mention the lamby?

  4. corey

    I think this little mental dump is the reason that your art is believable. It’s neither an economic nor a social decision…

    By the way, I really like the modern stuff you do. Oak Mod, the dark february one, and the crop patches from an airplane view are all very cool. I know you don’t really believe people when they say they actually like your stuff. But I do. It’s good. And you’re talented.

    …And even if you had not a shred of artistic ability (which isn’t true), Beth and I always get a little smile when we see you’ve posted around here.

  5. aly hawkins

    Gosh, I like you, June. And your art. It actually makes me a little sad every time you say you’re not smart (clearly not true), funny (also patently untrue) or talented (most obviously false). But at least you’re hilarious about it. That makes me way less sad.

    I’d hang your art in my house any day of the week. (And with Ash as my co-decorator, we don’t hang anything just to be nice, even to a head injury case.)

    Also, you should write more.
    Earnest Aly

  6. Cerise

    Ditto everything Earnest Aly said. She pretty much covered everything I was going to say. You’ll be great, love, truly. And you know that. And you know that this is the mental process of most artists (except maybe Warhol – I think his mental process was like this: “Huh. No, I…wait. Darling, hand me that glass, won’t you? Where’d I put my paintbrush?”). Congrats, you’re typical. I’m not sure that’s comforting…

  7. Stick

    Well, Aly, it just so happens we’ll be swinging through your neck of the woods next week and most of the paintings you see on June’s site are available for purchase. I’d be happy to stick a couple in the car (assuming they’re some of the smaller ones, as we’re renting a cheap, small car for the trip) if you’d like to see them in your house!

  8. aly hawkins

    Who needs an agent when Stick is your husband?

    Stick, I think we’ll have to wait until Ash and I are comfortably poor rather than teetering on the brink of living with you. Lord, hasten the day…not least so that I can have a Steckler original hanging in my living room.

  9. Sharolyn

    June, When I was on this train of thought about a year ago, and counselor pointed out that I would never be so harsh about another person. And then she made me write a letter to myself. YUCK! But, it is helpful to think what you would say to another woman who lived the day in your life yesterday. Next time blog that! And you’ll sound like Stuart Smally.

  10. corey

    I had a therapist instruct me to talk to the mirror and say nice things the guy I was looking at. I would’ve rather given myself a tracheotomy.

  11. June Post author

    Ok, did my beloved husband just tell everyone that we’ll sell my art out of the trunk of our rental car?!

    wow. I’m feeling so…affirmed.

    Darling, I actually hope that the show will sell out, but thanks for that nice dose of reality.

    For the record, I don’t waste too much time being insecure these days…that whole head injury thing kinda cured me of that. But yes, there are some moments still. I truly wasn’t fishing when I wrote that last night…I just genuinely find the voice of my psyche entertaining at times and like somebody said, I’m merely typical and it’s always fun to read of someone else’s typical insecurity. I hope it was a comfort as well as an ego boost for all who read it. I don’t embrace the sassy psyche but instead, slap her to the ground and kick her in the teeth. You should too! It’s fun.

    I shudder to think you’re all looking at my site. Argh. A new and improved version will be up soon!

    Saying nice things to the mirror? Gad…did they get their therapist creds in a plastic box at Ross?!

    And again, thank you for your kindness, one and all. I do wish you could all be at the show…if you were, I’d create some kind of incognito signal that I’d flash at whichever one of you was nearby anytime someone says something quotable. (Hmmm, though I’m not always so great at being subtle…I’d probably end up rolling my eyes and saying “Doh!” It’s good none of ya’ll will be there.)

  12. Leoskeo

    my therapist said I am okay and your one messed up little dude.

    June, artists pour out their soul and I do not know how they could feel any different before a show or exhibition. Thank God you are normal. I tell people they are normal but don’t let the habit of being normal kill you. In other words don’t let what is normal fear/anxiety become extreme.

  13. leoskeo

    after re-reading my first line should say… my therapist told me he was okay but I am a messed up little dude. Sorry June if that came out wrong to you.

  14. June Post author

    And I give you, The Quote:

    “Your paintings are so playful…they make me feel so free…they make me want to take my clothes off and run through the forest!”

    I’m not making this up. This was actually said to me by my three-year-old’s Sunday School teacher. I took it as a compliment. I like her very much…but I don’t need to see her naked.

    The show went well. I wish I’d sold absolutely everything but I did sell several pieces and perhaps better yet, came home with a fairly long list of commissions. And perhaps best of all, I met an interior designer who took my card, gave me hers and told me she likes to “promote and feature local, lesser known artists.” Bingo! So yeah, cool. And, my site is updated a bit. Check it out if you feel so led. ( The photography is still pretty terrible…I really need to find a professional photographer who is dying for some original artwork.

    The only thing that bugged: The two people who stood in front of a piece and gushed on and on and on about it (and even used the word “deconstructed”) and then smiled and said “Ok, well bye!” I wanted to say, “Don’t you mean ‘BUY?!’

    Oh, and Leoskeo, I knew what you meant. And even if you had meant I was messed up, it wouldn’t have come as news…and I’m pretty ok with how messed up I am.

  15. michael lee

    Congrats on a successful show, June. I’m counting on your to become incredibly famous, and then suddenly die, so that the painting you did for me jumps in value to $3 million overnight. It’s the closest thing we have at this point to a “retirement plan”. I know that sucks for Stick and the kiddos, but what’s more important, them having a wife and mother, or my kids being able to afford the summer beach condo of their dreams?

  16. June Post author

    Mike, you’re not the first person to wish death/fame on me for the sake of art appreciation (the money kind of appreciation.)

    It’s starting to make me a little jumpy.

  17. michael lee

    don’t worry about me … my ability to wish things into existence was disproved the day that “King of Queens” went off the air. Such tragedy.

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