Wells Fargo: We’ve Made All The Money We Need, And Do Not Want Your Business

We shot the pilot episode today for a new reality show, called Wells Fargo: We’ve Made All The Money We Need, And Do Not Want Your Business™. Since it will take a few months for the show to air, I’m posting the transcript here for your entertainment pleasure.

Scene 1: In Which Michael Finds A Car He Wishes To Buy

Gretchen: We should sell your truck and buy a car that can fit our growing family.

Michael: I agree. Also, you’re sexy. Look, here’s the exact car we’ve been talking about, for a reasonable amount of money. It is an environmentally-friendly clean-diesel 2006 Jetta, with low milage. We should buy it.

Gretchen: Let’s buy it.

Michael: Rather than spend the money we have earmarked for a down payment on our first house, let’s go get a car loan to purchase the vehicle. That way we can put more money down on the house, and qualify for a lower interest rate on our mortgage.

Gretchen: That’s a sound financial decision.

Scene 2: In Which Michael Applies For A Car Loan from Wells Fargo

Michael: My wife and I would like to apply for a car loan, so that we can purchase a vehicle for our growing family.

Wells Fargo: OK, let me get some details. How much money do you make annually?

Michael: (an amount that is 6x the purchase price of the vehicle)

Wells Fargo: Excellent. What are your monthly expenses for rent and outstanding loan payments??

Michael: (an amount that is 1/4 of our gross monthly income)

Wells Fargo: Great. It looks like you and your wife have established a sound financial footing for yourselves, one in which your income exceeds your expenses by a reasonable amount.

Michael: Yes, we have.

Wells Fargo: It also looks like you pay all of your bills on time, don’t bounce checks, and have generally conducted yourselves like responsible adults.

Michael: Yes, yes we have.

Wells Fargo: Great! We’re not loaning you the money.

Michael: Excuse me?

Wells Fargo: We’re not loaning you the money.

Michael: Why the $#%&* not?

Wells Fargo: You don’t have enough credit history.

Michael: … credit … history … ?

Wells Fargo: Yes. It shows on your credit report that you haven’t borrowed enough money to qualify to … ya know … borrow money.

Michael: Does it show that we took out a loan on a brand new Saturn 6 years ago, and that we paid it off 3 years later, just like we said we would?

Wells Fargo: Yup.

Michael: I don’t understand

Wells Fargo: Well, you paid it off.

Michael: Yes …

Wells Fargo: So it no longer counts. It doesn’t show us how you will manage your current debts.


Wells Fargo: Yes, it sure looks that way, doesn’t it.

Michael: Does it show that we have a platinum credit card that we pay off every single month? Does it show that the credit limit on that card is high enough that, if we wanted to, we could just charge the car to our card?

Wells Fargo: Well, technically, since you opened that card up under your business, it doesn’t count toward your personal credit history.

Michael: Would you like to guess whose credit record is going to get f’d up if I stop making the payments?

Wells Fargo: Sir, don’t get snippy with me.

Michael: Sweetheart, I haven’t even started to get snippy yet. So, we’re not getting turned down because of bankruptcy, late payments, bounced checks, felony convictions, or bad dental hygiene; we’re getting turned down because we HAVEN’T BORROWED ENOUGH MONEY?

Wells Fargo: Yes sir. We have no way of knowing if you’ll pay back the money you’ve borrowed unless you’ve borrowed lots of money already, and paid some of it back.

Michael: Ok, let’s review. My wife and I will make more money this year than 80% of the people in the county.

Wells Fargo: Yes.

Michael: We pay less than 1/4 of our monthly income in rent and other fixed expenses.

Wells Fargo: Yes.

Michael: It’s not like we’re buying an Bentley here; we’re buying a family sedan for under $20,000 dollars. The payments will be less than $400 a month.

Wells Fargo: Yes. Not excessive at all.

Michael: We have our accounts here with Wells Fargo, and you have the balances in front of you. You know that we could pay cash for this car.

Wells Fargo: Yes.

Michael: And we’ve paid off every dollar we’ve ever borrowed in our entire lives.

Wells Fargo: Yes.

Michael: Can I ask a question?

Wells Fargo: Of course.

Michael: If you aren’t making car loans to people like us, who the hell are you making them to?

18 thoughts on “Wells Fargo: We’ve Made All The Money We Need, And Do Not Want Your Business

  1. aly hawkins

    It’s so sad that the interest made on loans to people who are good for the money is no longer good enough for lenders: They want the interest made on loans to people who aren’t. (Which, granted, is a hell of a lot more interest.) It’s no wonder the vast majority of Americans are up to their eyeballs in debt–it’s the only way they can get any money.

    This is the part where I write a rousing diatribe about economic injustice and the immorality of our supposedly amoral economy.

    I wish my grandpa would start a second career as a financial advisor, even though he’s 76. He’s paid cash for everything he owns (including vehicles and real estate), and I bet a lot of people (myself included) would like to know how in the hell that works. Maybe the key is to start in 1949.

    So what are you gonna do about the car?

  2. B Dear

    How true. It just doesn’t pay to be a responsible person anymore. Been in similar situations myself. Hope you were able to get the money elsewhere.

  3. Jeremy

    dood, use the internets…

    I have used this for a couple of cars in the past when it was called people’s first auto loans. Now it’s owned by Capital One.

    Basically you get pre-approved for up toa certain ammount. They send you a check. When the check is used to purchase a car that’s the ammount of the loan.

    I dont know what the current rates are but they were always very competative in the past. Also, again in the past, you could get a 1/2 percent deduction if you went through costco. Dont know if they still have the same deal but you should check it out.


  4. Paul

    For more news about the insane credit situation, rent or Netflix the documentary “Maxed Out.”

  5. Bobby

    Here’s what you do… go pick me up a MacBook Pro and an iPhone on your credit card, seems like a win-win-win to me. You get your car, the bank gets their money, and I get a new computer for helping you out.

    Don’t thank me, that’s what friends are for, helping each other.

  6. michael lee Post author

    Seems fair.

    Can you also help me with transferring $360 million in bank drafts out of Nigeria, which the former Oil Minister left to me in a scheme to avoid UN sanctions? All I need from you to get started is your Social Security Number and a Cashier’s Check for $4,000.

    Thank You Much Kindly Sirs,
    N’gudai Martisoma
    Legitimate Oil Minister
    Nigeria, Africa

  7. B Dear

    The other great thing about credit reporting agencies (CRAs) is that most of the information in the reports is wrong or outdated. I’ve spent 100′s of man hours and more money than I should have had to, just to get the reports close to resembling my current credit status.

    That’s a lot of work to maintain their product. Information that can be used against me.

    Last time I updated my credit information, I sent them an invoice for my man hours. (…and my man hours aren’t cheap.) Although I didn’t get a response, it made me feel somewhat better.

  8. Big Chris

    Two words for you – Credit Union. I’m also a Wells Fargo user, but only because they are an evil-multi-national-available-everywhere type of bank. I’ve used WF for years, but kept a relationship with local credit unions on the side. I use WF for things like my student loans, but for savings and things of that sort the Credit Union gets all my business. Far better returns, and incomparable customer service.

    Big Chris

  9. Daniel Semsen

    I just ranted about Godtube on my blog.
    My entries are no where near as sweet as the ones on this site–they are not very well thought out, they are pretty raw in form–but I just could not believe my eyes when I stumbled upon Godtube.com

    totally freakin ridiculous.

  10. Gloria Pope

    Well, its a compromise for the future: You get a credit card use it for regular purchases, leave $10-20.00 balance each month. Its all about those FICO scores. We used Capital One for two car loans, it was seamless.

  11. E. Skiles

    I’ll second the credit union approach, I went through OCTFCU for my car loan, got approved online, got the paperwork at the bank. Super simple. You even get a little off the APR if you have the money automatically come out of an account at the credit union.

  12. corey

    +1 for OCTFCU- the last 2 car loans have been thru them and they’re great. For one of them we called from the dealership and just said, “hey, I think we’re fixin’ to buy a car right now.” They said to go ahead a write a check for it and they’ll work out the loan details while we arm wrestle with the salesman. It was great.

  13. Debbie

    Be careful using Capital One for anything. I just had a conversation with them today about their commercial where the Vikings come and ravage your home and life. I told them they are the Vikings.
    My darling hubby had a card with them that was 6.9 fixed rate interest. We have never had a late payment on anything and have always paid more than the minumum or paid it off. He got a letter stating they were now going to change his terms to 15.9 variable interest rate with 25.9 on cash advances. He could “accept the terms” or “decline the terms” and continue with the 6.9 fixed rate until the balance is paid off but he can’t use his card anymore.
    We called them up and told them we were declining their kind offer. They then insulted our intelligence with another offer to let him keep using the card for 6.9 fixed interest for two months and then they would up the interest to 9.9!

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