Scotty and Danny (Not their real names)1 used to work together in the same office. Then Danny got promoted to Assistant Boss of Scotty. Now it’s Scotty job, of course, to make Danny’s life a waking nightmare of passive-aggressive antagonism. Here are some suggestions that I thought of all on my own, during that ugly time of morning between dawn and 1st cup of coffee.
- Offer to get him a cup of coffee every morning. Make a big deal of asking how he likes it, and taking notes on a little notepad. Then, make it with 9 sugars and buttermilk. When he complains that it tastes awful, pull out your notepad and show him, “9 sugars, buttermilk”.
- Call him Danny. Danny-O. Danny Boy. Irish McGillicuddy. Elvis.
- Refuse to type the letter “P”. Intead, leave a space and hand-write it in later. Explain that you’ve given it up for lent, and ask him why he doesn’t respect the religious observances of others.
- Blog every conversation you have with him. In realtime.
- Loudly mock his taste in music to coworkers, but only when he’s just out of earshot in that shiny new office of his.
- Forge a memo from you new “Boss” to everyone in the office, declaring Friday “Dress like a Pirate” day. When he’s the only one who shows up in normal dress, mutter comments to your coworkers about how Danny-O is not a team player.
- No matter what idea he comes up with, always respond by saying “Well, that’s one way to do it…” in your best sarcastic voice. “Hey everybody, we should try to keep each student’s file together in one piece, so please don’t scatter them around the office.” “Well, that’s one way to do it …”
- Print out a glossy pic of your favorite supermodel. Replace the family photo on his desk with the glossy supermodel pic. Try to do this on a day when his wife is coming to meet him for lunch.
- Send emails to his boss, praising him for things that are clearly faults. “Dear Boss, Just wanted to let you know what a great job Danny is doing in his new position. All of us in the office appreciate how flexible he is with deadlines, and he totally understands when we need to ‘borrow’ money from petty cash to do some lunch-time shopping. We love working for Danny-O!”
- Immediately forget how to do anything on your own, and come to him with questions about even the most minute tasks. Demonstrate learned incompetence in every single aspect of your job. Danny loves that!
Congrats on the new gig, Daniel. And Scotty, you know what to do.
1. Yes, those are their real names. Sorry I lied.
Is that REALLY a supermodel? Yuck…
#11-Give Danny-O an iPhone…
(I’m making that my new email signature)
This is beautiful. Thank you!
This is classic! Since I get to train Scotty and Danny Boy…..now that I have read this they better watch out. It may be my last week in this office, but I can make their lives rather difficult.
Where are her legs? Aren’t hot chicks supposed to have legs?
Yikes. I think her knees could cut me.
That’s Twiggy, the very first Supermodel.
i just died of laughter and had to get the tissues out! thanks for the ab workout. That was beautiful.
Is it sad that I know who Twiggy is? Is it even more sad that I know this solely because she guest starred on The Muppet Show?
Is it sadder that I know who Twiggy is because she’s a judge on “America’s Next Top Model?” Yes. Yes, it is.
Twiggy is still alive?
what kind of supermodel name is twiggy….?
nevermind…just saw the picture.
yes scott. That. is sad.
I’m coming for lunch today-tell Scotty to put up the pic
Gretchen….it is NOT sad that you know Twiggy because she’s a judge on America’s Next Top Model…..
…cause that’s how I know her…