INTRO
I’ve been enjoying the posts by Paul and Michael. But, most of my present life is spent not in the interesting and thoughtful depths of the deeper end of the pool, but rather in the shudder-inducing too warm confines of the kiddie pool. So there’s yer warning.
PART 1
I know I’m not the only one who dislikes Costco so very, very much. Just google “Why I hate Costco” and you’ll find rants to read for days. And yet, on the rare occasion when I do find myself there, I feel very, very alone…in an overcrowded, clausterphobic kind of way. All the other shoppers there seem so very happy. My only motivation for ever shopping at Costco is convenience: the convenience of not having to go to a traditional market every two seconds when we have heaps of company. This week my husband is producing a band made up of 5 young men, ages 19-27. Two days after they finish up their whirlwind recording sessions, a band of four similarly aged males will arrive for another few days of recording. It’s like locusts have landed inside my refrigerator and pantry. So yes, a trip to Costco was in order last night.
PART 2
I used to not like Costco because of my own lack of self-control. I’d go there with my little list, intending to buy bread and cheese and blueberries and I’d come home with bread, cheese, blueberries, a winter jacket, a new book, pretty new salad bowls and shrubbery clippers. Since that time (ie: quitting my paying job and living on hubby’s paycheck alone) I’ve gained greater self-control (ie: fear of house/car repossession.) So now when I do go to C-land, I truly don’t buy more than I intend. But, I still hate it.
PART 3
Outside of the obvious—aesthetic unappeal, lowest common denominator of international courtesy customs as the norm, limited financial savings, everything that’s wrong with the American mindset—the primary reason I hate Costco is probably the same as all other Costco haters: it promotes over-indulgence. Costco, as a concept and entity unto itself, is probably fine. (I don’t know enough about economics or…well, anything, to make a statement any stronger than that. Remember, you’re in the peed in pool right now.) It’s the people that are the problem (see Part 2) and I’m certain the Costco powers-that-be are counting on that.
CLOSING THOUGHTS
And since I now need to go find places in my non-Costco-sized-home to store last night’s purchases (I really hope I remember that the case of organic tomato sauce is in the tv armoire when I need it) I’ll let my good friends, Bob and Larry, sum up my Costco sentiments:
Salesman #1: Allow us to introduce ourselves, We’re neighbors
Salesman #2: We moved in down the street!
Salesman #1: Some say we’re the most delightful bunch Of fellows
Salesman #3: You’ll ever want to meet!
Salesman #1: And if you have a moment to spare,
Kind lady with beauty so … rare.
We’d like to take a minute or two
On a topic of interest to you.
Salesmen: We represent the Stuff Mart
Salesman #2: An enormous land of goodies
Salesman #1: Would you mind if we stepped in, please?
Salesmen: And as associates of the Stuff Mart
Salesman #1: It looks like you could use some stuff!
I pray that you won’t take this wrong, my dear
But initial observation is as follows:
The criminal responsible for this decor
Really should be hanging from the gallows!
Salesmen: We represent the Stuff Mart
Salesman #2: A magic land of retail
Salesman #3: Would you care to see what’s on sale?
Salesmen: Then as a customer of the Stuff Mart
Get ready for some real nice stuff!
Salesman #2 and #3: Check it out! Check it out!
Salesman #1: If you want a big hat
Salesman #2 and #3: We got that!
Salesman #1: If you need a tube of glue
Salesman #2 and #3: We got that too!
Salesman #1: A 20 gallon wok?
Salesman #2 and #3: They’re in stock!
And if you need refrigerators
To keep extra mashed potatoes
Or a giant air compressor
To blow fruit flies off your dresser
Or a dehydrated strudel
Or a nose ring for your poodle
Or a five pound can of tuna
And some flippers to go scuba
Scuba! Scuba! Scooby-doo-be-doo-ba!
Here we go, scuba! Come on!
Salesman #1: If you need a rubber hose
Salesman #2 and #3: We got those!
Salesman #1: A rhododendron tree
Salesman #2 and #3: We got three!
Salesman #1: A wrap-around deck
Salesman #2 and #3: Gotta check!
But if you need a window scraper
And a gross of toilet paper
Or a rachet set and pliers
And surround sound amplifiers
And a solar turkey chopper
Or a padded gopher bopper
Flannel shirts for looking grungy
And some rope for goin’ bunji
Bunji! Bunji! Bunji-wun-gee-fun-gee!
Here we go, bunji! Come on!
Salesman #1: What we’ve mentioned are only just some
Salesman #2: Of the wonderful things yet to come
Salesman #1: These pictures you keep are so … nice
Salesman #3: But you really should take our advice
Salesman #1: Happiness waits at the Stuff Mart!
Salesmen: All you need is lots … more … stuff!
Salesman #2 and #3: You really, really ought to!
Madame: How could I afford not to?
Salesman #1: Happiness waits at the Stuff Mart!
Salesmen: All you need is lots … more … stuff!










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