Put me in, Coach

OK, I’m in. I can’t get enough of this…..I want to read one for every person here!

1. I smoke a pack of cigarettes everyday. It’s an awful habit, that I am constantly reminded of by my friends and family. (And although they’re obviously right, don’t they know me well enough to know that quitting has nothing to do with their comments.)

2. My parents divorced when I was 14 years old. My dad walked out the day we invaded Iraq – the first time.

3. My older sister was not only the Homecoming Queen, but Ms. Moorpark.

4. I’ve been playing guitar since I was about 15.

5. I never really had a single guitar lesson. I had 4 scheduled lessons at a place in Simi Valley when I was 15. But instead of learning anything, I used the lessons to execute a rather elaborate plan to steal guitars. 4 lessons = 4 guitars.

6. I have stolen a few cars in my lifetime. I prefer the sweet stylings of the GMC Safari Van, apparently.

7. I’ve been in jail. Only once, but that was enough. (Yeah, I was a bad kid)

8. Unsorted mail makes me nervous. I have to arrange that shit, like, right away.

9. An old roommate/psych student once tested my IQ. Apparently, I’m a genius. I didn’t believe it, so I went online and spent a day and a half taking more tests to confirm it.

10. I have an aunt who is a methamphetamine addict.

11. I have 2 tattoos, and plans for a few more. The first one “happened” when I was 16. A tribal band around my ankle. The achilles portion hurt like hell, and I bled like a stuck pig. The other one: I was early for a date one night, and stopped into a tattoo parlor – and ended up with a 5-point star on my right forearm.

12. I’ve never cried at a funeral. But the scene where E.T. is laying in the sewer, and he’s all pale and sickly – I can’t watch it without weeping uncontrollably. Poor E.T. He was just too cool for all those troopers armed with walkie-talkies.

13. I’m convinced James Taylor is the most legitimate man on Earth.

14. At last count, I currently own 44 black t-shirts, 2 white ones, and 1 gray. (Mike – let’s get a club going. Every Thursday we’ll meet and compare shades of black. “No, this is a pastel black. What’s yours?)

15. I’ve shit my pants twice. Once when I was really young, and playing little league baseball. The other time was relatively recently, and involved mexican food and poor judgement.

16. I hate the wind. It feels like someone is poking you constantly.

17. I graduated from high school early, so I could do absolutely nothing in advance of everyone else.

18. I bite my nails relentlessly. I used to explain that it was because I played guitar. But now, I just don’t explain it.

19. My hairline is receding. Wearing a cap for years takes its toll. But now, it’s just a vicious cycle.

20. I have coffee and cigarettes for breakfast every morning. When I quit smoking, I’m sure I won’t be able to drink coffee anymore.

21. I don’t dance. It’s just not in my genetic makeup. This does not impress my girlfriend, who can dance (well, mind you) to the sound of jackhammer.

22. I wax-dipped my own bottle of Maker’s Mark in Kentucky once. I drank it 4 days later. I wasn’t all that nostalgic when I got bored just looking at it.

23. My mother is the most powerful woman I’ve ever met. She went through chemotherapy and still had energy to listen to me bitch about my life.

24. I haven’t seen my dad for almost 4 years. He wrote my sister a letter telling her he basically didn’t like her. No shit. I just walked away from that nightmare.

25. I’ve driven a car 250 miles per hour. I’ve ridden a motorcycle 207 miles per hour. I like things that are fast.

26. I got stoned and went roller-blading once when I was 16. I got 7 stitches in my arm after going through a plate glass window.

27. I once drove from Chicago to Orlando in one stretch, and thought I was losing my mind.

28. I’ve never had a lap dance.

29. Although I have tried 99% of illegal drugs, I didn’t like any of them enough to keep doing them. Thank god. I’d be broke.

30 Nothing is better than a Maker’s Mark and Ginger Ale. Nothing.

31. I have some sort of hyper-active thyroid. It basically means that I can eat Bagel Dogs 4 nights a week with nary a pound added to my waist. I do suspect, however, that my heart does not care about my svelte figure.

32. If I don’t have a hyper-active thyroid, I’m convinced it’s a tapeworm.

33. I’ll make nutritional sacrifices if my motorcycle needs new tires, and I only have enough cash for one or the other.

34. I typically cut my own hair, and it shows.

35. I lost my virginity when I was 14. It was not beautiful or special. We were listening to Pink Floyd’s “The Wall”. Horrible choice, I know. “Dark Side of The Moon” would have been waaaaaay better.

36. I always thought I wanted kids until my sister cranked out 3. I’m cool with buying crap for her kids for now, and the foreseeable future.

37. Back when I cared about writing music, a song of mine was in decent requested rotation at a radio station in Boston. That was kinda fun.

38. I’ve been in a race car with an Indy Car champion behind the wheel. More g-force than an astronaut experiences at take off. Also kinda fun.

39. I make a living as an editor, and yet, 3 years ago I had never used a Mac.

40. When I saw the Scion XB debuted at the Los Angeles auto show years ago, I told myself I’d buy one someday. I bought one last August. I’m a square – just like my car.

41. I’ve been in love more than a few times. I consider myself lucky for that.

42. The gloaming is my favorite time of day.

43. I’ve crashed a motorcycle on the freeway at 60 miles per hour. It hurt, but I learned some important lessons about the durability of leather.

44. I can’t write in cursive. No kidding. I’ve been writing in all-caps (like an architect) since I was in the 4th grade. My dad was an engineer – blame him.

45. I have a step-brother who is considered a “Lethal Weapon”. He can pop a tennis ball with just the strength of his grip. it’s kind of scary, actually.

46. I still remember the time of day, and the smell of the hair of the girl I first kissed; Jennifer Musard. I wonder if she’s Googled me?

47. I haven’t had health insurance since I was 16. I still don’t.

48. I used to live in Chad’s childhood home – sort of. My room was his little sister’s childhood clubhouse, located in the backyard.

49. I actively avoid fans of Limp Bizkit. I’m kind of militant about it, actually. I’m all about lovin’ whatever kind of junk you’re into and all that. But this is where I draw the line. If you like Limp Bizkit, you are stupid and mean and retarded, and I don’t want anything to do with you.

50. I respect Motley Crues’ Vince Neil more for being a race car driver than a rockstar.

51. I’m partially colorblind.

52. I misuse comma’s and apostrophe’s all the damn time.

53. I’ve never been able to write a complete song about my girlfriend. I think she’s too complicated and smart to see through my bullshit, leaving most lyrical ideas out of the question.

54. I totally get Six Feet Under. Call it as pretentious as you like – you just don’t get it.

55. I once planned an event called “Dune Poo 2000″. The idea: Injest large amounts of Velveeta Cheese Dip and Dr. Pepper while watching the film “Dune”. The catch: No toilets, just diapers. It never happened (yet) but is talked about quite often.

56. My friend Chris and I have a friendship that was founded on creating imaginary band names. With choices like, “Super Mario Quomo” and “Big Dad Meat Stick”, that friendship is still going strong.

57. I once filled Chad’s bed with several thousand toothpicks. It was after a long night of drinking, and he really wanted to sleep. That’s how we rolled in 1994.

58. I played the trumpet for about 7 years. I once thought I would do it professionally. Considering I sold my trumpet (for pot, mind you) at the pawn shop when I was eighteen, I don’t think I’ll be rocking any jazz clubs, like, forever.

59. I have never lost my wallet, my keys, or my sunglasses. Sure, I’ve misplaced them for a day. But I’ve never lost any of those items.

60. My first car was a 1963 Dodge Duster names “Juanita The Big Brown Bitch”. The passenger side door used to open up at speed. Matty almost fell out of her once, rounding a fast left-hander.

61. I lived a few blocks from the World Trade Center on 9-11-01.

62. My favorite film is “Searching For Bobby Fischer”, followed closely by “Heat”.

63. One of my editing projects ended up on the Jumbo-Tron at a NASCAR race in North Carolina. I’m actually embarrassed by this.

64. People who think that NASCAR actually has anything to do with racing, need to go back to drinking the hooch they’re bootleggin’. NASCAR has as much to do with racing as PETA has to do with space travel.

65. I believe PETA is one of the scariest propaganda-machines in the history of mankind. Their recent ad campaign is entitled, “The Holocaust On Your Dinner Table”.

66. I’ve never been to Europe. I’ve plans to go next year, but nothing is set in stone.

67. I once stayed awake for 80 straight hours. (See #29)

68. I’ve never graffiti’d anything.

69. One thing I’d like to change about myself is the ability to sympathize better. I never really think about what it must be like for that “other” person. When I do, it’s really clear. But I need to do that more.

70. People often refer to me as the “asshole”, but in an endearing way. Like, I’m the guy who “tells it like it is”, and all that crap. I sort of take that as a compliment.

71. I never really got picked on in school. I think the bullies knew I was smart enough to ruin their family’s credit, or take hostages, or something.

72. I aced both the written and the driving portions of my driver’s license tests. I was told I was qualified to be an instructor.

73. I have always wanted to be a cop. I took (and passed) the P.O.S.T. exam, but I never followed up with it. I actually haven’t given up on that career idea. Maybe when I’m 40.

74. I’ve never voted Republican.

75. If I stand up, bow my head, and close my eyes – I will pass out. I learned this little tidbit of information the first time I went to church. A few around me really thought I was filled with the spirit. Nope. I was just super dizzy.

76. I punched a guy in the throat once. I didn’t mean to, really. He came at me, fists-a-blazin’, and I just reacted. He whipped his head back and I broke his larynx. It’s a horrible sound. I advise that everyone avoid getting punched in the throat.

77. If given the opportunity, I will pay $1000 to punch the following people in the throat, in no particular order: Tom Likus, Hugh Grant, and Madonna.

78. Ash’s commitment to the band U2 sort of freaks me out.

79. My favorite song is Van Morrison’s “Into The Mystic”.

80. I think Counting Crows’ “Rain King” was written about me.

81. I once threw a knife at my sister’s head. We were latch-key kids. It stuck in the cupboard behind her, and we never fought again. I actually came within inches of possibly ending her life, and I still sort of can’t believe that.

82. My nephews star on HBO’s “Big Love”. In fact, their 2-year acting career has netted them more money than I have made in my lifetime.

83. When I was 12, my mom told me she was a surrogate mother. For a few years, I wondered about all my brothers and sisters out there in the world (that I could possibly throw knives at) and I wondered if they thought about me. When I was 14, she told me she was just kidding. No shit. My mom is awesome like that. A simple joke, totally forgotten about by my mom, becomes a 2-year practical joke that practically ruins my delicate psyche.

84. My grandfather served 3 tours in World War 2. He was shot by German snipers 3 times, only to return to the front lines. He met my grandmother when he was in basic training, and asked for her hand in marriage. She told him she would marry him, but only after he came back from the war. When faced with the choice of coming home injured and discharged, he chose to fight, and come home a hero. I don’t know anyone who has tasted their own blood 3 times, all for the love of a simply farm girl.

85. My dad is a complete lunatic racist. On Christmas day, when I was about 15, he saw a black kid riding a brand new bicycle in our neighborhood. He actually turned to me and said, “Time to burn a cross in that yard.”

86. If I didn’t make it entirely clear by now, my father is a piece of human garbage.

87. My step-dad is really hard to like sometimes, but I love and respect him very much. Also, he likes fast cars, and that goes a looooooong way with me.

88. I was born in Fort Worth, TX. I grew up dodging tornadoes, and our neighbor raised pet squirrels. I think Corey and I are going to have a lot more to talk about, y’all.

89. I used to take apart all manner of electronic gadgets when I was young. This has turned out to be a blessing, as now I can explain just how most of that crap works.

90. I am constantly questioned about the quantity of useless fact I hold in my brain. I know a little about a whole lot.

91. I’m on the fence regarding Capitol Punishment

92. I am pro-choice. (It should be noted that I do not, nor have I ever had, a vagina.)

93. My iTunes catalog is now well over 275 Gigabytes. It’s sort of ridiculous. I think I have every song UB40 ever released, and I couldn’t care less about UB40.

94. One of my Grandmothers loves to drink and gamble. I enjoy spending time with her.

95. I hate water-skiing. But I love holding the flag when people fall. That shit is hilarious. Nothing makes you look more like a dork than water + speed + falling.

96. I have had two bosses in my career that have taught me enormous amounts of useful stuff. I’m really fortunate to still be working for one of them.

97. I am completely turned on by the fact that my girlfriend makes 3 times the money I do.

98. I spent 2 years traveling the country. I’ve been to almost every one of the lower 48.

99. I can’t really sleep-in anymore. It’s most likely because I’m older. When I wake up, and don’t have to go to work, I am genuinely excited about the prospect of an open day, with which to accomplish some sort of task.

100. I have no interest in tip-toeing thorough life, only to arrive safely at death.

18 thoughts on “Put me in, Coach

  1. june

    “The Holocaust On Your Dinner Table” made me laugh just as hard as Corey’s misreading of Grammy and Paul’s fantasy sex in a drawer. It could also be a good band name.

    #78…I don’t even know Ash, but found myself wondering if he’s really all ok when a U2 song came on the radio this morning.

    Zack, you’re too young (and smart and funny and fast) to die young. Slap eight nicotine patches on yourself, suck down some green tea and quit the cigs! I’m guessing it will probably feel worse than getting punched in the throat.

  2. Morphea

    June…the comments mean nothing, remember?

    Zack, please come spend the weekend with us as soon as possible. We don’t give a shit about cars but like going fast. Bring that nice lady if you want.

    Cerise

  3. Zack Post author

    Chad, you can sell those kids. In fact, they race ‘em down in Mexico on these cute little tracks. It’s adorable. I’m sure you can get top dollar for those youngin’s.

    Get our yer flannels, we’re going to the mecca of All Things 1995!!!!

  4. grammy

    [quote post="1290"]28. I’ve never had a lap dance.[/quote]
    These things can be arranged. How do you feel about 55-year-old lap dancers?
    [quote post="1290"]42. The gloaming is my favorite time of day.[/quote]
    It was the gloaming, when a man cannot make out if the nebulous figure he glimpses in the shadows is angel or demon, when the face of evening is stained by red clouds and wounded by lights.
    – Homero Aridjis, 1492: The Life and Times of Juan Cabezon of Castile (translated by Betty Ferber)
    [quote post="1290"]48. I used to live in Chad’s childhood home – sort of. My room was his little sister’s childhood clubhouse, located in the backyard.[/quote]
    Zacquie’s little love nest…
    [quote post="1290"]68. I’ve never graffiti’d anything.[/quote]
    That’s because you can’t write in cursive…

    It’s time to share a cigarette, my darling step-child.

  5. Chad

    [quote comment="62268"][quote post="1290"]28. I’ve never had a lap dance.[/quote]
    These things can be arranged. How do you feel about 55-year-old lap dancers?
    [quote post="1290"][/quote]

    Party fowl, 10 yards.

  6. Zack Post author

    Chad, are you referring to the Party FOWL – the mythical binge-drinking parrot that appears after 6 straight hours of Absythe injestion? Or the Party FOUL – as in when your mother scares the holy-lovin crap out of you by eluding to taking her clothes off and gyrating in front of me for sweaty 1-dollar bills?

    I just want you to clarify…

  7. Zack Post author

    Mike – call me when you do that. I’ll be performing a partial frontal lobotomy, and the company will be appreciated.

  8. Pingback: the cyberdeck dialogue 2.0 (beta) » 100 things

  9. Sara

    This is great! Amost 4 years and I actually learned a lot about you I didn’t know!

    Nevertheless…

    [quote post="1290"]1. I smoke a pack of cigarettes everyday. It’s an awful habit, that I am constantly reminded of by my friends and family. (And although they’re obviously right, don’t they know me well enough to know that quitting has nothing to do with their comments.)[/quote]

    Yes, we know you and we don’t care. It’s our job to nag and we will continue to do it until you stop. Regardless of whether or not it has any effect. Deal with it.

    [quote post="1290"]70. People often refer to me as the “asshole”, but in an endearing way. Like, I’m the guy who “tells it like it is”, and all that crap. I sort of take that as a compliment.[/quote]

    It’s a self fulfilling prophecy. You’re not an asshole, you just play one in your own mind. :)

    [quote post="1290"]53. I’ve never been able to write a complete song about my girlfriend. I think she’s too complicated and smart to see through my bullshit, leaving most lyrical ideas out of the question.[/quote]

    You don’t give yourself enough credit and you give me too much. I love your music. I don’t care even if you just write one verse!

    [quote post="1290"]28. I’ve never had a lap dance.[/quote]

    What am I, chopped liver? Next time, I’m charging.

    [quote post="1290"]32. If I don’t have a hyper-active thyroid, I’m convinced it’s a tapeworm.[/quote]

    Can I borrow your tapeworm?

    Let’s go to Seattle honey! Home of Nate Fisher!!

    love,
    Nugs

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