Now that I’m back at work, I’m editing a book aimed at teens, encouraging them to remain sexually abstinent until marriage. I was afraid before I dug into the manuscript that it might be the same old “sex is evil and dirty, but the minute you marry will be beautiful and transcendent” message that Christian kids have been getting for decades (at least), but I’ve been pleasantly surprised. The argument for abstinence is presented as a decision of empowerment, as one decision among many that kids must make to reach the goals they have for their lives. (If you were not raised in the church, take it from me: this is a vast improvement.) My problem with the material is that sex — when had in a monogamous, sanctified marriage — is overly glorified as to be almost unrecognizable as just…good sex.
Editing the book has got me thinking about good sex and good Christianity. (I assure you, these subjects are not mutually exclusive.) On one hand, I’m a big, big fan of monogamy. And not just one-person-at-a-time monogamy, but one-person-period monogamy. I don’t mind divulging that I was a virgin (okay, just barely) when I got married nearly six years ago, and I have yet to regret the decision to wait until the deal was sealed. It’s hard for me to imagine negotiating the slings and arrows of marriage with the added baggage of a sordid sexual history, and I think abstinence is a wise, sane choice if one plans to commit to the long-haul with another human being. I also realize that communicating the far-reaching consequences of such a choice to inflamed, live-in-the-moment adolescents may at times require the use of extreme, ultimate language, if only to break through the hormone haze that surrounds them.
On the other hand, I don’t like the extreme, ultimate language which is often used to communicate to teens about sex. On one extreme, you’ve got the “sex is dirty” message, in which every accidental pregnancy and possible STD is gleefully examined, complete with hi-res close-ups of genital warts. On the other, you’ve got an over-romanticized ideal of sex, in which the act of intercourse with a life-long partner is equated with fulfillment, success and inner peace. Finally having sex after having “saved yourself” is billed as The Best Thing That Will Ever Happen To You, Ever.
And sometimes you get the extremely confusing combination of both extremes. (See “dirty to transcendent in 10 minutes” above.)
My problem with these extremes is that they’re not honest, and they’re not true. Yes, unwanted pregnancies and STDs happen…but plenty of people have active sex lives with multiple partners without these consequences. Yes, sex is effing rad (Really. Effing. Rad.)…but if good sex is The Best Thing That Will Ever Happen To You, you have very small dreams for your life. Seriously.
So here’s my question: How can Christians communicate about sex, especially to young people, in a way that is both honest and true? How can we communicate that the choice for chastity is good, really Good, without inflating the definition of Good to unattainable, unrecognizable and unrealistic?
That is, of course, the 64 dollar question. And just as soon as I stop snorting milk out my nose I’ll try to answer it (unsuccessfully, no doubt…. I think the milk in the sinuses has given me permanent brain damage). Warn me next time, OK?
I think the first step would be for Christians to stop being so embarrassed by sex. I don’t mean pornography or Desperate Housewives, but just plain ol’ good (and Good) marital sex. Our discomfort and reluctance speak volumes to teens. Sex is such a wonderful gift, and so precious–why shy from talking about it? Especially if we’re being asked.
Aly, I am right there with you on the anger regarding how sex was presented to me as a kid who grew up in the church. I know two couples that couldn’t consummate their marriage for DAYS because the idea of sex as a bad thing was hammered into their brains from the moment they could understand the concept. I was floored and very sad when that was told to me.
But what is the answer? I have no idea…this whole sex thing has been an interesting investigation for me. I admittedly have not done enough biblical research on the whole topic (hopefully some will chime in who have) but it seems to me that the rules changed somewhere along the lines. Multiple marriages and concubines (read a lil’ somthin’ somthin’ on the side) were common and maybe God wasn’t happy about it but he sure didn’t strike down those old testament dudes who practiced it. Mind you, I’m not advocating polygamy. In fact it sounds like the worst thing in the world. I have trouble figuring out one girl at a time. Its just one of those things in the bible that is glossed over.
I guess my point is that this stuff is out there and there isn’t any frank discussion about it. At least there never was with me.
The other thing that always bugged me is that there is never any talk about how fundamentally different the world is now. I’m not saying the rules should change but it’s a lot easier to tell a girl to wait until she’s married to have sex when she’ll probably get married at 13 rather than having to wait until she’s 25.
Then there are the hardcore Christian kids who end up getting married way too young simply because they want to have sex. I’ve seen it and it makes me sad. To me, if you are going to make a mistake in life, make the mistake of having premarital sex before you make the mistake of marrying for all the wrong reasons.
Then we can talk about the definition of what sex is. Because I guarantee what my parents think and what I think and what kids think are probably very different….
So, yeah. Maybe I should read that book when you’re done editing it.
No, Jeremy, you shouldn’t read the book. Even though it’s a step in the right direction, it doesn’t get where I’d like to see it go. Here’s something I was thinking today as I was editing: the “empowerment” approach is definitely an improvement on the scare tactics of the past, but is it really as good as it gets? It strikes me as hyper-individualized and missing a crucial community component. I read Lauren Winner’s Real Sex: The Naked Truth About Chastity about a year ago, and I think she hits closest to the mark of reframing the conversation about sex in a way that is helpful, honest and true. She highlights the communal aspect of sex and marriage in Christian history, and wonders if part of our collective sexual dysphoria is a result of making sex about personal choice rather than spiritual health as a part of a community of faith. Sex as it is meant to be is about WE, not ME.
I’d recommend Winner’s book over the one I’m editing any day of the week. It digs much deeper theologically and sociologically, and is written for thinking adults rather than desperate teens.
You’re stealing all my thunder here. You’ve already articulated most of my beefs with Christian sex-ed.
Interesting. I’ll weigh in and say that although I didn’t marry as a virgin (don’t tell Mom), Ramon was my first and we DID wait until…uh…engagement. Then total debauchery took over. I’ve never regretted either waiting until we did it or the timing of when we actually…did it. Made sweet love and all that. Additionally, Ramon wasn’t my first (how do I put this?) penis - er - experience, and I do regret that. I’m a poster child for following all the teachings I despised as a younger person.
Why CAN’T Christian sex ed, if a kid’s only right choice is to be chaste before being legally bound to another, be about Aly’s idea and not the purity before god and your future mate thing? I mean, why can’t Christian educators say: “Humans are capable of lifetime monogamy - save yourself to engage sexually with the person who has the best chance of being your for-life lover. You’ll never regret it” instead of “Be pure because God says so”? I’m telling you, the chastity speeches I got as a teen rang about as true as “looking at Playboy will eventually turn you into a serial killer” or “smoking pot will make you a crack addict” - two other humdingers that I still laugh to contemplate.
Cerise
Well… here’s another thing that parents do that kills me….
“Hey little johnny, wait for sex for marriage so you can have a dull, sexless, snooze-fest just like mom and dad!”
I mean… they’re practically lining up for that one!
My first response to Aly’s article was, “I think you just did.”
I remember my Baptist youth leader (this is back in the ’70s, gang!) telling us that she liked the fact that her husband had a beard - “It’s more exciting!”. They seemed to reflect a solid, earthy attitude about sex - that it was, ideally, part of marriage; that it was GOOOOOD; that it was not nearly the whole story of marriage, let alone life. I guess I was lucky, based on what I am reading here.
I think that the best way to talk about this is to honestly model communicative, loving marriage and be honest about how sex fits into that mix.
But, how should I know? My kids are too young to be interested yet. Ask me again in a few years when the two of them have hit puberty! I figure to have a lot of good stories about how not to talk about sex by then.
Aly,
Rob Bell is putting out a new book this March, called the “The God of Sex” (my husband thinks this book is about him..lol).
At any rate, this book is partially based on a series Rob taught called “The Revolutionary Life in an Abercrombie and Fitch World. Exploring Sexuality, Lust, and the culture of skin that we live in.”
You may want to download this series and listen to it. Rob talks about the “mystery of a woman” and other such provocative things.
The cost is cheap…perhaps $2 bucks per sermon or something. Well worth it.
http://www.mhbcmi.org/listen/purchase.php
Jamie
Chad, you are SURELY not speaking from personal experience with what your own parents modelled..???!