Addison Road

How can I not talk about it?

It’s the celebrity story of the year, hands down. Condi Rice would have to club Paris Hilton with the business end of a Louisville Slugger in the central foyer of the CIA to knock this story to #2. How can I not talk about it? It happened… oh… twelve miles from where we live. We pass the restaurant where he got loaded about twice a month when we go that way ot the beach.

Mel… Mel… Mel.

Mel,

Can I call you Melvin? No? Ok.

Dude. I don’t even know what to say. Actually… I really don’t have much to say to you, Mel. You’re doing the right thing, which is eating vast amounts of steaming crap. Keep eating that crap, Mel. Or don’t. Decide if you really mean it and if you want to work again.

Whatever you decide to do, I want to thank you for some great times. Lethal Weapon 1-4 was really quite a hoot, especially #2. Mad Max? Love it. Chicken Run? Really loved it. Braveheart? Dude. Pastors the world over will love you forever for sermon clips galore. Let not the chorus of jeers over Lady in the Water let us forget that Signs was a terrifying and ultimately powerfully hopeful film.

Then came The Passion of the Christ. Dude, we KNEW you were on our team, YES! We were swept up, brotha! You did a screening at my university. The previews were amazing. We were finally going to get a film adaptation of Jesus’ life that we could be excited about! And you were even marketing to us! To US! On purpose!

Mel, I have to tell you that I screwed up when I saw “The Passion.” Easter weekend that year was nuts, and we didn’t get out to see it that weekend. Believe it or not, we left the next day for a family vacation in Maui. Easter week drains me like no other, and I really needed some R&R. It was raining hard that week. The locals loved it, and I was so depressed. On the second day of depressing vacation rain, Erica said we should go see The Passion. Mel, I don’t know if it’s the Jews fault or what, but the movie theaters in Maui kind of suck.
I had a hard time with it, man. I really did. I loved the first 30 minutes. I thought it was creative and scary and beautiful. The dreaded flogging scene was hard, but bearable. It was in the second half that I struggled. It was just another pageant. We were going through the motions. The drama was sucked from the story as we hit all the poses. This opinion may not be shared with the readers of this blog, but the film was, for me, not a great representation of Christ. Maybe I need to see it again when I am not really pissed off

So, you made a zillion dollars, and I am happy for you. You deserved it. Even though I didn’t love your film, I caught where you were going and was pleased at the reaction. All of a sudden, Hollywood is clamoring to market to the church. We reward them with another big hit last Christmas, and who knows what glorious Hollywood / MegaChurch synergy awaits us in the future.

So, you lay low for a year. We start hearing about this crazy Mayan thing you’re working on and we think, “Hey, that’s cool! He’s got half a billion dollars. He can make anything he wants, it’ll be interesting.”

Then you go all whackie on us. What gives man? You were like our little Hollywood buddy. Now it seems like you have a lot of, well, messy problems. I have to warn you that the church does not have a great history with large mega-watt stars who become Christians or publically align themselves with Christianity. Chuck Norris we seem to be able to handle. He’s like a sorta-watt star.

But you… oh man. Christians aren’t going to know what to do with you. Cluck their tongues? Wag the finger? Most likely. Some will pray for you, some will excuse what you said and did. The liberal blogosphere is practically foaming at the mouth over you right now. They love it. You played right into them. I haven’t seen a conservative slam you… yet. I’ve got dollars to pesoes that it will be over the alcohol consumption and not the anti-semitic statements.
So… what do we here at Addison Road make of you? You seem like you need some new friends, man. You’re a talented and blessed guy. Glad to hear you’re seeking some help and encouragement. I don’t really have anything particularly profound to say to you, other then I just hope you get well. When you do, I think Lethal 5 might be a little much, but Mad Max 4 would get you all kinds of love. It’s just me talking.

Hey wait! I just realized… It’s not the Jews fault! You know who’s responsible for crap movie sound and fuzzy projection in the Pacific rim? Samoans. I hate those guys.