I’ve been struggling the last couple of years to figure out what I want to do with my life. I realize that most people deal with this in college, or wait until they’re 45 and switch careers and/or buy a yellow sports car…so I guess that makes me a late bloomer suffering from early-onset mid-life crisis.
I didn’t graduate from college. It’s hard to regret this sometimes, since I think I spent my college years doing important growing up on the inside (rendering me incapable of going to class, obviously). Other times (such as now, in the middle of a pretty debilitating depression), I wallow in recrimination, whipping myself — mostly metaphorically — for the time and money I wasted on figuring out that I’m not a tortured artist or God’s gift to biblical studies or The Best Singer Ever, but instead just me: sorta smart, okay-looking, sometimes funny, likes music and Anne Lamott and Jesus and ponies and Buffy. (And Ash…which, granted, took a lot of time and energy and tears and tequila to figure out.) I beat myself up for not having been a better multi-tasker. Coudn’t I have gone on a journey of self-discovery and inner growth while simultaneously showing up for class? A lot of people do it, so I guess that makes me A Bad Person. And Evil. (That’s when I pull out the cat o’ nine and the hair shirt.)
After a good session of self-flaggelation, I try to remind myself that I’ve progressed somewhat since then. At that time, I was paralyzed with indecision because I didn’t want to narrow down my options. (This is an issue for people who are good — but not great — at a few things and don’t want to give anything up to become great at just one of those things.) I know now that I want to write, but my current paralysis stems from not knowing quite how to go about this pursuit…other than obvious, which is to sit in front of the computer and hug myself and rock like a large autistic child until I can string words together into a coherent sentence. I’m terrified of making the wrong choice: Should I go to school for an English degree? Should I quit my job and go freelance as a writer/editor? Should I rent a cabin in Montana for six months and finish my Great American Novel? Should I continue on in my job/life and hope that a bigger opportunity falls in my lap? Should I try quaaludes?
I think you can see my pentlemma. (See how there are five options, and how pente is the Greek word for five? This is why I should be a writer.)
I’m not good at making Ultimate Decisions. This is somewhat a function of my personality, but I know that at some point every person has to choose something, or they writhe on the bed hugging a pillow and moaning in a weird Grudge-like monotone because they’re so overwhelmed by the myriad of choices that their brains take a cigarette break and may or may not come back to work and they never, ever do anything they wanted to do because they’re too busy writhing on the bed moaning in a weird Grudge-like monotone. (I’m just guessing here.)
All this to say: How do people make these kinds of decisions? Seriously, I have nothing but the utmost respect for people who can choose one option over another. How do you do it? It’s not necessarily the fact that you can choose something, it’s that you can not choose a whole bunch of other things in favor of that something. It’s amazing! Tell me your secret. I don’t think I can move forward in any direction until I’ve figured this out.
And also: Does anyone else have this problem, or am I the only crazy person?
I have no good words to send your way on this, since I am right there with you. I get insane over this lack of productivity in any one, solid, measurable direction. Also, at not having the severals of dollars that would inevitably come from doing just that one thing well.
Instead, I’m planning worship sets, prepping sermons, making a record (kind of), designing courses, building blogs, playing gigs, scoring a commercial, writing a book (I promise, aly, i promise), and just generally half-assing it on all of them.
Scot McKnight writes about his typical day, and how he manages to be so productive, and it makes me insanely jealous.
Hi Aly
Liked your piece today.
I was doing a similar thing the other day, by coincidence:
http://oddhack.co.uk/WhatImGoodAt
You’re not the only crazy person.
I guess some of us have always been dreamers, and have wanted to drain every drop out of this life God has given us… but how often we fall short.
Grace to you.
Francis
WARNING: THE FOLLOWING IS THE WRONG ANSWER.
There’s a part of me that just wonders if true contentment is even possible from this world. On one hand, our stories are wildly different. Where you’ve been living life in suspended animation for a few years, I’ve been living it at the eleventh hour (which is best recognized by LIVING in that moment when you realize the car in front of you has stopped and you might not have time to get your car to stop plowing forward). On the other hand, our stories are similar in that both of us may be coasting at times, running on steam and momentum as a slave to the probably-false adage that luck favors the prepared.
So today, while reading your post, I feel like some people have eyes for heaven, and it only makes this place so much crappier by comparison. It’s a shame that the best I can muster is a CCM answer: (in my best James Stewart) “Just you wait until the Lord Jesus Christ returns! Then everything’ll be just great! Just you wait!” Well, I’m all about the Second Coming, but until that happens, I have to pay my mortgage, be a husband and father, and find something to do that makes me feel like I’m doing something more than waiting through a never-ending eleventh hour. Make no mistake, good happens (no matter how cloaked and accidental). But this world is not good enough, not fulfilling enough, and not satisfying enough to keep my attention. This world is a steady drip. Man’s heart is built by a creator that lives in the tidal wave.
My advice? Don’t get comfortable. This isn’t home. Find something to pass time - better yet, find something to better help someone else pass the time. Stop counting the days. All it does is illuminate the sheer magnitude that have already passed. Fake a smile. Other people can’t usually tell the difference. Keep moving. Ferraris look best when they pass too fast for 3 outta 4 people in the car to see them. And for goodness sakes- at least learn to thrill us with the things YOU’VE been given that I haven’t. It makes me jealous.
Yeah. Right there with you. It seems that I have a VERY hard time making decisions because I get wrapped up in not wanting to make the wrong decision. In most instances this is rather silly, i.e. what plants to use in my front yard (this is literally a 3 year process that has yet to be resolved.) In other instances making the wrong or right decision is rather huge and important (i.e. marriage, career etc)
For me I think it’s more about the decision making than actually doing the thing I’m trying to decide about. In my experience I have generally made the right decisions and even the ones that were “wrong” weren’t really because they got me to the next screen (video game nerd coming out. sorry.) It’s super weird but since I can remember I was fascinated with the story of Solomon and have always asked God for wisdom. I think he has blessed me in that. I think I now should ask him for decisiveness. haha
For me I get wrapped up in the details and I need to follow my own advice of just getting out there and making crap happen. Every time I have followed that advice it’s worked out. When I don’t, I sit in a quagmire of wondering where my day went.
Anyway, it sounds to me like you have some of the big ones figured out. Marriage etc. Clearly you are a great writer and your choices don’t sound all that mutually exclusive. And finding out that you went down a path that you aren’t a fan of isn’t a bad thing. That’s the thing that I have learned (been taught) in my life.
So, I’m fairly doubtful that I have offered anything to the discussion, but thanks for reminding me that making no decision is way worse than making the wrong one. I’ll put it in a way that’s easy for me to understand. Jack Bauer’s sitting in front the nuclear bomb that will not only blow up Los Angeles but also inject some horrible face eating bacteria into the atmosphere and kill all humanity except for Muslim extremists. If he cuts the red wire he might blow up or it might stop the bomb. If he sits and agonizes over the decision the bomb still blows up and he dies. Just remember, Jack Bauer always cuts the wire. Two lessons learned; don’t agonize over decisions, think them through and then stick with your choice. Two, if Jack Bauer crashed through your door, shoots your friend in the chest, cuts of his left hand and says “You have to come with me right now, trust me.” Go with him and do whatever he says. Oh, and grab a cell phone, PDA and a pair of scissors. You’ll need ‘em.
mike….can you please clean up my last post…seems I double posted or something. Cut and paste is out of control! I think the second version is free of horrible grammar and spelling errors (mostly.)
done.
“This world is a steady drip. Man’s heart is built by a creator that lives in the tidal wave.”
I Corey 7:28
I’m not sure which I like better: Corey’s quote or Jeremy’s Jack Bauer wisdom.
Yeah, what they all said.
(GO ALY! GO ALY! GO ALY!)
The fact that they both appear in the same thread is most of what I love about this place.
To help me remember all your wise words, I’m making little pink 3×5 cards decorated with glitter, Hello Kitty stamps and foil stars, with the quotes below written in pastels gel pens to tape up around my bathroom mirror. I will start each day armed with these pearls of wisdom:
-Just generally half-assing it.
-The car in front of you has stopped and you might not have time to get your car to stop plowing forward.
-Ferraris look best when they pass too fast for 3 outta 4 people in the car to see them.
-Inject some horrible face eating bacteria into the atmosphere and kill all humanity.
-Jack Bauer always cuts the wire.
-Yeah, what they all said.
Thank you, friends. Thank you.
Sarcasm aside, I appreciate you guys and your wackiness. If laughter is the best anti-depressant, I can stop taking my meds.
Aly,
Your post made me cry because I related to it so much. I miss you at work.