An Open Letter from John Cleese

Oh, man. John Cleese announces the revocation of U.S. independence. My favorite bits:

#7 – All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

#11 – The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

#15 – You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.

8 thoughts on “An Open Letter from John Cleese

  1. aly hawkins Post author

    I’m a chump. It was so darn easy to hear it in Cleese’s voice.

    On the bright side, some of the American responses to the “open letter” are funnier than the original.

  2. michael lee

    It always makes me smile a little whenever biblical scholars talk about pseudonymous authorship as if it was a quirk of the ancient world, and not something we do today. “You see, harumph harumph, the ancient writers would often attribute their writing to someone with more authorial weight, in order to give their writing the patina of legitimacy, and to secure wider readership, harumph harumph.” Oh really? How odd. Those crazy ancients!

  3. Tim Frazier

    By Tim Frazier

    To the citizens of Great Britain,

    I obviously got your letter long after it was written. The last incompetent leader elected in the United States of America was Bill Clinton, and we did it as a joke. It was obviously a mistake and got quite out of hand. We apologize and will do our best to not let it happen again.

    In a successful attempt to rectify that mistake, we have twice now elected George W. Bush, who has done a fine job of clearing up the misunderstandings which resulted from the Benny Hill type antics of his predecessor. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II is welcome to exercise the same amount of political power over these United States as she does anywhere else. We really don’t think it will hurt anything and doubt that any of our citizens will actually notice.

    The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP is welcome to come visit and give advice. We like him just fine, even if he is a labor—sorry, labour—party leader. People can be as liberal as they want as long as they jump in with us and start kicking butts when some back-woods mountain pirate in the middle east crosses the line. Here are our responses to the list of rules you sent us:

    We looked up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. We don’t care. We checked “aluminium” in the pronunciation guide. We are amazed at the fact that we produce and use this material more than anyone else in the world yet you want to tell us how to pronounce it. We are working on a language efficiency guide for you, to demonstrate how additional unnecessary letters like “u” in many words wastes valuable computer hard drive space. I agree we took these efficiencies a little too far in the decade or two prior to Y2K but we have learned our lesson and will restrict our tendency to abbreviate to common words, not date and time stamps. We recommend you obtain a copy of the “Blue Collar TV Redneck Dictionary”. We agree that using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. That (and many other reasons) is why we wholeheartedly support your immediate acquisition of the state of California. We won’t lift a finger to stop you and only request that in return you put a very high, impenetrable fence between them and us.

    You’re right, there is no such thing as “U.S. English.” Let us know when you plan to assimilate California and we will make sure we have moved the contents of Redmond to Silicon Valley prior to the acquisition. The software company you mentioned (I’m afraid to put their name in writing due to the proliferation of lawyers you pointed out) headquartered in Redmond could do with a little British intervention.

    We don’t need to learn to distinguish between English and Australian accents. Why would we bother when we don’t listen to anything either of you say anyway?

    Regarding your request for us to learn the words to “God Save the Queen”, we have never understood why the Queen needs to be saved. Hasn’t she been saved yet? It seems some British gentleman should get off his keister (look up “keister” in the “Redneck Dictionary) and save her, because you’ve been asking God to do it for a long time and it doesn’t appear He feels it’s an urgent matter (neither do we, we tend to be on His side—look up “Abraham Lincoln”).

    We’ll just have to agree to disagree. You mentioned “American” football. We also believe it should just be plain ol’ “football”. The Kevlar body armor—sorry, armour since that’s what you prefer—see how inefficient that is???—is a result of the proliferation of insurance companies and lawyers. We’re working on it. We have rugby, but it is played at secret locations and times to avoid insurance auditors and lawyers. We have successfully disguised it as Hockey…don’t get me started on why we didn’t have a hockey/American Rugby season last year, it’s a whole different topic…

    Regarding your demand for us to stop playing baseball, the baseball team in my area shows up on game day, but apparently has stopped playing baseball, so you win that one.

    Sure thing on the guns, just come on over and start taking them from us. You might want to bring some of that American Football Kevlar body armor and a whole lot of Australian army buddies with you. And plan on it taking a looooong time (look up “infinity”).

    Regarding your demand we carry nothing more dangerous than a vegetable peeler in public: like I said, we’ll comply with this a soon as you’ve successfully achieved your goal of taking away our guns (look up “cold, dead fingers”, “NRA”, and “Charlton Heston”).

    We agreed with the American Car problem a long time ago. Thats why the American car companies now own most of the European car companies (look up “Jaguar is now owned by Ford”. We do need help with our traffic system. We can’t even get people to walk on the right side in the mall here. I think we’ll outsource our traffic problems to Sweden. They have Volvos (look up “Ford owns Volvo”) so they are used to designing traffic flows for heavy, powerful vehicles, not dinky underpowered British horseless carriages.

    Belgium is a country??? I thought it was a chocolate manufacturer.

    I can’t speak to the opinions of other Americans, but you have valid points regarding beer. Guinness, however, licks anything else you have hollow. Imagine what the Irish could do if you guys got out of their business!

    US gas prices synchronized with UK: This is apparently already in progress. My Dodge Magnum burns $300.00 worth a month (Look up “Daimler-Chrysler” and “American Muscle Car”)

    In regards to learning to resolve problems without guns, lawyers, etc. you should become familiar with our continuum of force policies. We’re working on getting rid of the lawyers and therapists and escalating straight to the guns every time in order to make the dispute processes less time consuming.

    Who killed JFK? It’s driving you crazy??? So THAT’S what happened to you guys!

    Regarding your desire to collect taxes here back-dated to 1776, you are welcome to do that as soon as you complete your project to confiscate all our guns. You might want to get those vegetable peelers banned as well. We’re funny about higher taxes and have been trained to dispatch tax collectors with common household items such as bananas and whiffle balls. You’d be amazed at how much damage we could do with a peeler.

    Sincerely,

    Tim Frazier
    President of Fraziertopia
    Grapevine, Texas
    These United States (Except California)

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