Seriously. What would Jesus drive?

Every day, I see about five or six bumper stickers asking this exact question. I had no idea that Christians were so concerned with the Son of God’s chosen form of automotive transportation! Let’s see if I can figure out, just What Jesus Would Drive…?

SUV: Well, he could certainly carry all of his apostles in one vehicle with a big-ol’ SUV. I imagine for that he would choose the Hummer H2. The last time I checked, the H2 has 27 bench seats, a stadium theater with Dolby Surround, a jacuzzi, and a fully-equipped bathroom. Talk about travellin’ in style! Sandals and wooden carts be damned, the J-Man could haul his power boat (and all the honey’s) to the lake every weekend! And with that V-24 powerplant, he could leave the A/C on while truckin’ up the grapevine! But wait just a OPEC-Luvin’ minute – what about the gas mileage? The H2 doesn’t “get bad gas mileage”, as so many people think. Form the Hummer PR Campaign, the correct term is: “The Hummer H2 destroys everything in it’s path to move itself down the road. Gas Mileage is not our concern. This vehicle is designed to murder the environment, and any liberals who get in it’s path.” This vehicle actually drills for oil while it drives, eliminating the need to fill up the 40,000 gallon tank! That’s right, it actually drills and refines it’s own oil while it drives, leaving a trail of destroyed habitats in it’s wake. But there’s one thing I think Capt. Christ wouldn’t dig on: This thing is wasteful. The apostles only want to go to the club one, maybe two nights a week. For the other days of holy errand running, the H2 is just a waste of precious resources. Maybe something environmentally friendly, or at least socially acceptable….
Hybrid: Now we’re talking. 45 miles per gallon and a smaller ecological footprint. Envious stares from others at the gas stations would be awesome. Jesus would tell everyone what his gas mileage is every week. Whenever anyone says, “Man, the gas prices are just killing me!”, Jesus can say, “Listen, my son. My Prius averages more than 40 miles per gallon. It may not be much for the ladies to drool over, but it leaves me with more cash to buy that Pioneer 60″ Plasma. Know what I’m sayin’?” Heck, Jesus could use the carpool lane BY HIMSELF! That’s right. In California, hybrid vehicles are allowed single-occupant carpool access. No more waiting for the traffic on the 170 to move, just to get on the 118. He can zip by at a top speed of (maybe) 70 miles per hour, downhill, of course. But as we all know, even the carpool lane can get backed up with traffic. Because not everyone is smug enough for a hybrid…
So, what would be the perfect vehicle for Jesus? The answer:

A motorcycle. “Wha???” you say? Let me explain…

A motorcycle is built to do one thing: Carry and individual to their destination. No gadgets, no traffic, no compromising junk. 50 miles per gallon average, and style to boot. Jesus can make it to every appointment on-time and invigorated. He can split lanes on the 405 with ease. He can fill up the tank for a paltry ten bucks. On Sundays, he can do what I do – attend church in Malibu Canyon. Personally, I’ve never felt closer to God than I do every Sunday in Mullholland Canyon. Dragging one’s knee on the ground while cornering at 60 miles per hour requires faith. (And skill, and leathers, and knee-pucks, and a few loose screws.) There’s no windshield or airbags (or doors) to separate Jesus from the people. He can wave and give high-fives to anyone he pleases. He can park just about anywhere. With a motorcycle, he’ll never have to pay to park in a parking garage ever again! He can just go around the gate! All in all, I think the reasons are too solid to ignore:


Jesus Would Ride A Motorcycle

22 thoughts on “W.W.J.D?

  1. Zack Post author

    Amen to that. I’m assuming that he would trade the sandals and the crown o’ thorns for some Alpinestars boots and a Shoei X-11 helmet.

  2. Zack Post author

    Jesus wouldn’t even consider a minivan. Morph, have you ever actually driven a minivan? If so, didn’t such a vehicle make you forsake God himself?

    Michael: Good. Come to the dark side…

  3. Zack Post author

    I imagine Jesus likes the Acuras. Although he’s not a fan of the super-high-dollar ones, like the TL. He is embarrased by Honda’s early attempts at Japanese-Luxury with the “Sterling” line of automobiles – most well known for their uncanny ability to disintegrate while driving. He’s a bit of a purist, and therefor prefers the RSX. (Congrats, Chad. You’re going to Heaven.)

  4. Zack Post author

    Um, Chad’s parents are forever banned from making ANY vehicle-purchasing decisions. Need I say Chrysler LeBaron TURBO?

  5. Chad

    It was a Plymoth Sundance Turbo, and sadly that was not one of the worse choices over the years. Please don’t make me talk about the ’81 Vanagon.

  6. Zack Post author

    Chad, your father not only created a hand-made diploma when I “graduated” (If you really want to call it that) from Continuation High School, he also WROTE ME A SONG. Considering how involved he was in my bad decisions, I think I should actually make a statue of the man. Maybe a bronze statue of him paying cash for a Crysler K-Car and a Corvair. (Am I getting too geeky with the car references yet?)

  7. Sharolyn

    Don’t worry, it won’t be a Vanagon.
    And you’ll be happier that with my automatic sliding doors, my kids won’t dent the doors of your much-cooler car.
    I’m thinking that they’ll be grown enough by the time I’m 50 to get a sexy car. They can pay for their own college, right?

  8. harmonicminer

    You’ve all missed the point.

    Jesus wouldn’t drive anything… He’d take the bus or walk.

    If somebody gave Him a vehicle, He’d sell it and give the money to the poor.

    Of course, the only way He could actually GIVE the money to the poor would be to take the bus to them or walk. Or He could put an ad in the paper offering the money, in which case most would drive to Him…. in their personal vehicles, of course, in the USA.

    JWDA… Jesus Wouldn’t Drive Anything

    Coming soon: how Jesus would feed 50,000 people starting with 3 quarter pounders and 4 orders of fries.

  9. Stick

    Ah, Mike… NOW you’ve seen the light. Though I might debate the theological soundness of the R7s moveable weight technology. Perhaps the Ping G5 would be more up his alley… “G” is for God, clearly. Or, he might choose to bring up the evolution debate and drive the Nike Sasquatch. Or MacGregor’s latest, the emergent inspired MACTEC.

  10. harmonicminer

    In the modern world, being the God of music and all, Jesus would drive a Pro Tools TDM rig, but only on a Macintosh. Of course, He wouldn’t even need to install the software drivers…. He’d drive it himself!

    He might have insisted that Apple change the name of the iBook to the “weBook”. And He might have harbored some suspicion about the forbidden fruit reference in Apple’s logo.

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