Oh how I’ve wanted to say the same things to folks about my own kids… thanks for the post.

Wait until you get to fly with her! :0) Thanks for putting words to what we all would like to say to the cranky pants of the world.

See, now if you would just train your children to behave in public, you wouldn’t have this issue.

My two boys are perfectly trained. We go to all the finest eating establishments. When either of them see someone giving them “the eye” they promtly walk up to them and say “Excuse me Sir and Ma’am, I would like to aleviate your concerns about the presence of a child such as myself in this fine eating establishment. My 2 year-old brother and I have been well trained by our loving father and mother to respect the space and noise concerns of those around us. We shall sit quietly and eat our food with proper table manners at all times. Thank you for allowing us to partake near you today.”

Dude, dickheads like that suck bum. I’m really sorry - hopefully writing that is cathartic and the pooters that got to you yesterday are 1. no longer taking up headspace for you and 2. feeling ashamed of themselves today (hey, we can always hope). As a childless-by-choice inhabitor of such places of food courts, restaurants, bookstores and libraries, I just want to say that rarely do joyful, noisy kids annoy me to the point of giving anyone the eye. Rarely. If ever. I can’t say the same for our homeless community in the downtown library, who howl like anything at customer service if a family containing kids wakes them from their naps. Heavens.

Stick, I don’t have the words, man.

Ash & I went to Easter brunch yesterday with my mom and grandpa at a place nicer than Islands but not as chi-chi as French Laundry. There was a cute family at the table next to us whose 18-monthish year old daughter was coming apart at the seams. Maybe she didn’t like the shellfish. Anyway, I was horrified at the disapproving looks these poor people got from diners in their Easter-Sunday best. HELLO! New life, people! Look it up.

Once at Sweet Tomatoes, I thought my daughter was brilliantly clever because she figured out that she is supposed to walk SIDEWAYS down the salad aisle. Apparantly she touched (and I don’t even mean bumped) the woman in front of her, who said in THAT tone of voice, “Is this your daughter?!” Shame instantly washed over me. I must apologize for something. But what came out of my mouth after three seconds of evaluation was a proud, “Yes!” I guess the woman thought I should carry my 30-pound child, diaper bag, purse and protruding belly while sliding the tray and getting food. Sometimes it’s the little things in life that bug you the most. But then, I’ve also learned to LET GO. I feel sorry for the woman at Sweet Tomatoes, and the woman at Islands. What kind of enjoyment can they get out of life?!

At least we’re more optimistic than Dave Barry…
http://www.miami.com/mld/miamiherald/living/columnists/dave_barry/12686621.htm

When Bethany was less than a year old, we took her to a Mexican restaurant here in town (Palmas Verdes if you must know, as if there is a difference between ANY of the Mexican restaurants here). Partway through the meal, I noticed a man staring at her/us from across the room. Later, looking back I think it may have been an astonished look. But at the time I thought he might be giving us the evil eye - which was weird. Bethany was doing fine I thought, well behaved, especially for an infant.

I didn’t think anything more about it until we got up to leave. I walked over to take her out of her high chair, and thought, “Hmm… I don’t remember her spilling anything over here?” I then picked her up, and noticed her high chair was soaked to the point of dripping. And so was her onesie. And so was my shirt.

And it was brown. The End.

I’m assuming this biological weapon of mass destruction was released sometime shortly before or possibly even during the stare down we had received during our meal. Suddenly it all made sense.

Been there, done that… now I’m the cranky old person… NOT.

To be honest, I have the opposite problem… If I’m sitting in a restaurant and see a small child or baby, I’m likely to make eyes at ‘em, stop at the table and annoy the parents with compliments, and generally suck a little extra life out of the special aura that God puts around children.

Oops… that sounds vampiric.

Of course, at the age of 6 or so, all that special aura completely disappears as the “left shoulder whisperer” (the one that’s always RED in Bugs Bunny cartoons) takes over until the age of, oh, 21 or so.

Just kidding…. I think.

People who don’t like kids should go live in retirement age only communities… and never come out.

[...] Michael Lee shares Three Things I Thought, But Did Not Say, To The Cranky Old People At Islands Casual Dining Establishment, This Past Saturday. So, cranky old people sitting across from me at Islands, I’m sorry that you missed out on catching my daughter’s infectious joy, which is her mother’s great gift to her. My gift to her, on the other hand, will be writing pithy sardonic blog diatribes. Michael, I’m old, but I’m going to try very hard not to be cranky. Thanks for your post.   [link] [...]

I’m deeply offended for you!

Like you basically said, Mike - what person is expecting fine dining at Islands? Don’t they serve your food in a bucket or something? (I may be thinking of somewhere else. Hell, I may be just dreaming about food in a bucket. I’m starving right now….)

I find it alternately interesting/amusing/annoying/maddening when people are bugged or surprised that children act, ya know, childish.

Being bugged by a cute little smiling babe though…that takes the cake.
Too bad she didn’t upchuck a little over the side of the booth.

Oh, and about the children that Brian described on here…that must be his other family. They sound nice. I’d like to meet them.

I just happened to google the phrase “cranky old people” hoping to find a list of guidelines for people to stop themselves from turning into one while one is still congnitive enough to realize that you are in danger of turning into one. If anyone sees this post and has written such a list, please reply. Meanwhile, I’ll work on one myself. Then we could simply hand them out when we meet someone like the people in your essay. We could say, “excuse me, sorry to interrupt your meal. I noticed you were on the verge of turning into a cranky old person — the kind of person you hated when you were a little younger. I have this handy list here of guidelines that you can follow to stop the process right now. Look #1 is “Enjoy charming children.” You’re welcome.

Good one, lil. [laughing]