Be Informed About Your Safety!

The US Department of Homeland Security maintains a website called Ready.gov (“Don’t be afraid…BE READY.”), which exists to help businesses and families prepare themselves for disaster. Included on the website is a visual guide, which is supposed to — at a glance — let people know exactly what to do in any given emergency without having to read any pesky words. If you take a few minutes to explore, I think you’ll agree that many of these pictures are (at best) ambiguous.

My friend Christy sent me some of the pictures with her interpretations:


If you are sprayed with an unknown substance, stand and think about a cool design for a new tattoo.

Hurricanes, animal corpses and your potential new tattoo have a lot in common. Think about it.

Try to absorb as much radiation as possible with your groin region. After 5 minutes and 12 seconds, you may become sterile.

After exposure to radiation, it is important to consider that you may have mutated to gigantic dimensions: Watch your head.

If you are trapped under falling debris, conserve oxygen by not farting.

If a door is closed, karate chop it open.

Be on the lookout for terrorists with pinkeye and leprosy. They tend to rub their hands together manically.

Michael Jackson is a terrorist. If you spot this smooth criminal with dead, dead eyes, run the hell away.