I know there probably aren’t a truckload of vampire movie fanatics in the reading audience…but doggone it if I’ll let that stop me. I am a big, big fan of vampire lore, and I only occasionally feel ashamed. (This is not one of those times.) There is way too much rich metaphor for the human condition–life is in the blood, the spiritual dimension of flesh, sex as a kind of death, the connectedness of shared blood, immortality gained by evil as a curse, blood religions as redemptive–for me to put it away. I’ve often told Ash that when I do my triple PhD in literature, theology and film studies, I will write my dissertation about the spiritual implications of vampires in the collective imagination. And before you ask: Yes, I do think way too much about this.

So it goes without saying that I saw Underworld: Evolution last night, opening night. I love the first Underworld film, which has been called “the UK Blade” by a few who felt the ancient-vampire-with-big-gun angle was none too fresh. I disagree. Plenty of metaphor here, too: the necessity of adaptation, the danger of technology exacerbating evil. I could go on…but I digress. Underworld the First was sexy (Kate Beckinsale and Scott Speedman had great chemistry and she was hot and badass in vacuum-sealed leather), smart (it didn’t condescend to its audience-I actually wasn’t sure what the heck was happening the first 20 minutes) and explored many of the human themes to which vampire mythology lends itself. (See above.) It was a vampire movie in the near-century-old tradition of vampire movies. It sought redemption for its characters, and (vicariously) for us.

Underworld Jr….did none of that.

Yeah, it was sexy. Great chemistry? Check. Vacuum-sealed leather? Check. Soft-core sex scenes with full nekkedness and slo-mo thrusting,? Check. Ménage a tròis in an abandoned monastery-turned-prison? Check, check, check.

The show-and-show sex was symptomatic of the film’s larger problem: it was a horror flick, not a vampire movie. Man, I’m all for thrills and chills…but not of the Saw II variety. I know a lot of people go in for that kind of thing. I’m just not one of them. I like my scares deep, saturated with archetypal fear. I want to be afraid of existential doom, not of a guy with a mask and a barbeque fork. Where’s the redemption in that? (In running away, dumb blonde girl with improbable knockers! No, you idiot…the other way!)

Give me the tragic horror of Frankenstein. Give me the human frailty and ignorance of The Masque of the Red Death. And while you’re at it, give me a good helping of the confused morality of Interview with the Vampire. But I’ll pass on The Grudge and all the Fridays the 13th.

Redemption–or at least the possiblity of redemption…hook me up with that.

I’ve gone on long enough. I recommend Underworld: Evolution only to those who like to see peoplemeat chopped, diced, fileted and puréed. Enjoy…you sick, sick excuse for humanity.*

*This includes the three other people with whom I viewed this wretched film, all of whom thought it was good time, scary fun. But I love you.