The Dementape Letters: Four

Posts in the The Dementape Letters series

  1. The Dementape Letters: One
  2. The Dementape Letters: Two
  3. The Dementape Letters: Three
  4. The Dementape Letters: Four
  5. The Dementape Letters: Five
  6. The Dementape Letters: Six

[The fourth in a series of Top Secret correspondence. You can read from the beginning here.]

My dear niece Gutrot,

I am disappointed in your reckless, amateur behavior (especially as I seem to recall that I was fairly specific in my warnings not to bite off more than you could chew), and I am not interested in your feeble and inadequate excuses. Save them for your mother…though as she is as much a heartless demon as I, you may want to abandon excuses all together in favor of groveling and boot licking.

Obviously, your hair-brained scheme has backfired with stunning (yet predictable) results. How could you possibly have thought that attempting an intricate, Level 5 Temptation would yield success for a novice of your inexperience? If I’ve told you once, I have told you a thousand times: Never use a cannon when a poison dart will do the job. Fireworks are not impressive when they blow up in the lab.

Still, I am an optimist (which flies in the face of our certain Damnation). All is not lost…not on my watch. If there is anything I can do to save your miserable carcass from the annihilation it deserves, you may count on me to do it. (Not least because it won’t be only your carcass up for annihilation. I rue the day you were assigned to my Department of Kingdom Thwartation, but there’s no use crying over unspilt milk. As I always say: “When life gives you lemons, find someone with a papercut.”) I only pray Our Father Below does not hear of your appalling failure from one of your witless, nattering friends before we can rectify the situation.

It is unlikely you will be able (even with my assistance) to undo the damage you have done. How you could have imagined that it might be a good idea to suggest to those in the Emerging Church community that they should be more loving, accepting and embracing of anyone who is different than themselves is completely beyond my ability to fathom! Did you honestly think you could somehow corrupt their holy intentions and convince them to abandon their moorings of morality and righteousness solely because homosexual People are now welcomed into their warm, Christ-centered midst? Foolishness! As if expanding the Embrace of the Gospel might somehow boomerang in our favor! Never, never tempt any of The Enemy’s Children toward greater charity and justice…they have the Holy Spirit for that, you imbecile! Now (thanks to you), People of both sexual orientations are seeking The Enemy’s Will together, trusting that His Light and Truth will guide them as they wrestle with difficult questions regarding His Intent for Sexuality. If such a thing were possible, I might believe you were a Double Agent. (And if I thought They would have you, I would not hesitate to suggest you switch Sides. We could use someone of your idiocy working for Them.)

Well…two steps forward, one step back. (And for your sake, it had better only be one.) Return to the beginning. Your only hope at this jucture is to fall back to your opening salvo of Pride. If you can get the Community to feel smug and self-satisfied that they are open-minded and obviously superior to their more conservative Brethren because they have adopted those who have not previously been welcomed in the pews, you may go a long way in salvaging your desperate situation. And it is desperate, Gutrot. Make no mistake…you are one rank breath away from feeling the full force of my dissatisfaction. Stick to Pride, or you will know my ire. Intimately.

I will check back with you in a week. If I hear of one wrong step between now and then…

Your (always) vile and (barely) affectionate aunt,
Dementape

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Next in series: The Dementape Letters: Five

2 thoughts on “The Dementape Letters: Four

  1. Morphea

    Wow, Aly. Subtly and beautifully written. Your sense of humor knows no bounds, my dear. I’m going to walk around for a WEEK going “if life gives you lemons, find somebody with a papercut.” Frickin’ hilarious. And very apropos to our previous discussion on this blog.

    Cerise

  2. Pingback: The Dementape Letters: Five at Addison Road

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