Anxiety

I don’t know what set it off. I think probably nothing set it off. I was just in our kitchen, and Gretchen was feeding Sophia, I was was heating up some food, and suddenly, it was all I could do to keep from crumbling to the floor. I couldn’t keep a single thought in my mind. I couldn’t control my hands enough to stir the food. I was 3 feet underwater, thrashing, waiting for air, but being pushed under by dread, nausea, panic.

Maybe 10 minutes passed. Gretchen was eating in the living room, and I was still in the kitchen. I couldn’t control my hands – they were clenching and unclenching so hard that I still have marks on my palms. I couldn’t catch my breath. I was angry at myself for not being able to do a simple task like take a plate down out of the cupboard, but I couldn’t focus my thoughts long enough to do it. Every new sound or movement around me sent my mind spinning out of control, like it was trying to take in a thousand conversations at once, and not being able to follow any of them.

You know the kind of depression that lasts weeks at a time? It was like that, all compacted into one frenetic quarter of an hour. Maybe 5 minutes passed. I was bent over in half, focussing on the floor of the kitchen, taking long breaths, trying to regain control.

I think I had my first anxiety attack tonight. It was awful.

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