I love you. In a questionable, sexually ambiguous way.

Chad, I think Mike’s been reading Ingrid.

it all makes sense to me now, i’m totally ditching ecm. oh i was so wrong.
thanks for this :)

Brilliant!

This is destined to become a classic reference article concerning the emerging church movement.

I hope it gets lots of mileage. :)

I shot milk right out of my nose when I read this. Or I would have, if I had been drinking milk. Come to think of it, I don’t like milk. So this post would never have made me shoot milk out of my nose, no matter how funny. But still, great post.

[...] church that is emerging. Oh well, maybe it was just too good to be true. Technorati:  Inlinks || Emerging Church ||Emergent [...]

Hilarious :-)

You have totally cleared up this entire emergent “thing” for me Michael! Thank you! Now I can comfortably go back to my mega-church and stop asking questions. I know for sure that those crazy emergents are out of control!

:0) Karen

Enlightenment! Oh, sweet intellectual illumination leading me out of the dank, dark caverns of ecm absurdity!

‘Course, now I have to rewrite two years’ worth of blog posts…

[...] After reading Addison Road’s characterization of the evil that is emergent, I must also withdraw from that term [...]

Wonderful clarity in the midst of hilarity…or something like that.

I am at Princeton Theological Seminary right now sitting in on a 30 person Emerging Church Caucus with Tony Jones, Doug Pagitt, Karen Ward, et al. I’ll be sure to bring up your concerns with the Emergent Board :)

jeremy

Your mind is both brilliant and very, very sick. And I love you, too…but in a less questionable way than Chad.
.
My favorite are the Google ads. The Most Powerful Wicca and Magical Jewelry and Discount pagan & wiccan supplies. That rawks.

Thank you for the clarity…and I vow not to eat my young!

Thank you, soulpastor. Your public vow to forsake infant cannibalism gives me hope that the ECM can lay aside its abberant behavior, and return to the one true faith.

I don’t know, young are pretty tasty – Up the Revolution!!!

I hope this gets you banned from fundie blogs so you can join my super cool, not so exclusive club.

Why does the church keep looking to marketing gimmicks and fads like there is something there that will save them? Hello the answer is Jesus! That is the only thing that saves. Quit trying to make it so complicated! :)

Ecclesiastes 1:9 (NIV)
9 What has been will be again,
what has been done will be done again;
there is nothing new under the sun.

I like the picture of Rick. He definitely wears normal people clothes.

aside from riffing the “why I’m not an Oscar Myer Wiener” arguement…..I liked it.

Joe, I think Mike is protesting against the very thing you’re talking about.

Also he’s protesting sky-clad moon-goddess worship. And infant cannibalism.

paul, i have no idea what you’re talking about … what’s the Oscar Myer Wiener arguement? And is it any relation to Richard Meier?

And, for the record, I have always been apposed to sky-clad goddess worship, and opposed to infant cannibalism.

I for one, am wholly against weiners.

holy jeez… i am slain… but not in the spirit.

I have another scandalous fact to bring up:
I’ve seen people in the ECM drinking beer at their leadership meetings! There’s pictures that prove it!
Until they abstain from alcohol, to show their spiritual maturity, I too will not be emergent.

funny stuff. Always like a good bit of funny.

Church that is emerging…isn’t that an oxymoron?

HAR HAR.

I am still giggling! Must go to bed now…I have been laughing all night!
A GREAT post…

thanks

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

I like weiners, I like Guinness, but not children so much…
They’re far too chewy and get stuck in your teeth.

My gut hurts from laughing. Great post.

Ojections to ec folk eating their young might be primarily due to demographics – a disproportionate number are young and, therefore have young children. Add a few years. Children become adolescents. . . might not be so bad. . .

[...] Go read Why I Am Not Emergent. [...]

Old Bill, it sounds to me like you’re just looking to excuse their behavior until circumstances change it for them … I must insist that non-irish-famine infant cannibalism isn’t the sort of thing we should just wait for people to outgrow.

It’s true – how can you say a portion of the church is emerging? It’s like that scene from Ace Ventura when he’s birthed from that Rhino costume, right? The church being birthed out of a, er…Rick Warren costume? bleackkkk.

Oh my…that is the funniest thing ever.

I posted on my blog about a converation between my son and our emergent pastor last night that almost proves the point about eating the young…

System Administrator awards +135 emergent points to Tim White for the relevant Ace Ventura II reference.

[...] Why more people should not be emergent. It is a good and funny read. [...]

This is great. I was not sure about emergent, and I’m still not, but much more entertained :-)

Daniel,

I think there are a few of us here who aren’t sure about emergent… but we are sure that it’s critics eat their young.

Congratulations. You have succeeded not only in not being enlightening, but you are not funny either. If it comes down to having to choose only between your kind and the emergents–I’ll choose the emergents.

Whoa Dee, simmer down thar.

No, Dee is correct. Michael is neither funny nor enlightened. He is also a poor poker player and can only play songs in C major. He walks funny too.

FUNNY! Thanks for a great laugh. It was made all the better that I though you were totally serious after the first paragraph.

You are a sick puppy – but in a kinda cute, scratch’em behind the ears way. Too funny. Wait ’til the neo-bereans read this!

Good blog. Good laughs. Thanks.

Well… I don’t know if I just caused a poo storm, but after reading this: http://www.apprising.org/archives/2005/11/emergent_church.html, I couldn’t help myself. I wrote an email encouraging the author to come read this thread. Everyone brace themselves.

I’ve been trying to decipher the whole emergent thing for myself recently and this cleared things up tremendously! Thanks!

good, sound critique. . . maybe the time has come for the alt.emergent church, less bohemian, more working class, more like the detergent church. see
http://theoldbill.typepad.com/thebackroom/2005/11/detergent_churc.html

last thots just disappeared into cybervoid, I fear – this may be the fate of all of us. Might be the right time for an alt.emergent church, perhaps a detergent church, detoxifying emergent. cf. http://theoldbill.typepad.com/thebackroom/2005/11/detergent_churc.html

I don’t know who you are but you crack me up.

Oh.

My.

Gosh.

Ditto what the milk nose guy said.

That was great. Classic.

Ok Dude….Time for a new one!
Come on….make my week!

[...] Why I Am Not Emergent [...]

Can’t … stop … laughing …

The single word “selected” — from #2 — was my favorite laugh-aloud moment in this piece.

TRUE CHRISTIANS WILL NEVER EAT THEIR YOUNG NO MATTER HOW TASTY THEY LOOK! NOT EVEN WITH TARTAR SAUCE OR SOME LEMON PEPPER!

Wait, what does “irony” mean?

Grey Owl, thank you for joining the growing list of Emergent people willing to renounce non-irish-famine infant cannibalism.

To all who enjoyed it, thanks! It was fun to write.

After reading this post, I thought I’d finally found a church home, and rushed out to join the nearest emergent church. First, I couldn’t find one. Anywhere. Then, when I finally did find a church that claimed to be one, I was deeply and tragically disappointed… I AM Irish, and I’ve seen what those young turn into…

Oh, well. The faith journey continues.

hey! Thom Mayne rocks. Professionaly speaking of course.

just too funny

Hilarious…I think its worth passing on to others…well done.

So funny, so well put together, you are a legend.

I’ll repent of worhipping sky clad but do I have to wear shoes?

Combining “Children’s Church” and a class on “Cooking for Young Marrieds” just seems like an idea destined to have its day. One grounding thought, though… is it possible that the Urban Outfitters wardrobe is more an expression of a common lifestyle and not so much a uniform? It seems to me that the polo shirt and khakis are just as much a uniform for MegaChurch America. I would personally very much prefer nude worship to the thought of ever again dressing like a Circuit City Manager to fit in with the leadership at church.

holy snot, this is good stuff.

oh… I mean… this sucks… You’re not funny. or enspired. or inlightened. or straight.

sincerely,
The Disciples of Dee

this is good humor before my serious sermon prep tonight!

[...] Anyway, contrary to popular belief, emerging church people do not eat their young. You just can’t convince some people of stuff like that. I’ve been thinking about it lately, remembering the Sting song, Russians (okay, you youngsters that are considered “emerging generations” may have to just bear with us old fogies and click through to read the lyrics at the end of the link and Google half the words… you see, there was this thing called The Cold War…). So anyway, the reason I’ve been thinking about it all comes down to what was probably a heartfelt question, but one which came across with “a tone” during the panel discussion I took part in recently. The final question we took before the lunch break was from a lady in the back of the room whose face I couldn’t see due to the television-studio lighting. The question was, in essence, “What about the kids?” as in “Okay, sure, yeah, well, but what about the kids?” I fielded the question at face value, but I was asking myself later if there hadn’t been something behind it, if the questions wasn’t half accusation. I asked some folks who were there to be sure it wasn’t just me and they thought maybe it was intended to trip us up, as though this question would catch us on something. [...]

Why I Am Not Emergent!

Michael Lee at Addison Road does such a great job of explaining why we should turn from the Emergent Movement that I felt compelled…

Knowing this first, that there shall come in the last days scoffers, walking after their own lusts, (2 Peter 3:3)

Affirmative on the scoffing (in a good-natured kind of way). Negative on the walking lusts thing. But thanks for the reminder, Carl.

Ahhh, prooftexting. I love prooftexting.
.
Walking lusts. I like that. I’m fielding an unholy obsession with the lead singer of Stellastarr* these days and actually caught myself experiencing high levels of lust whilst walking home from work the other day.
.
Come down, sweet Jesus.

very creative.

at least its better researched than other critiques i have read

ahhh . . hate to take issue but the Bible does mention Celts.

the original celts migrated from central europe to many places including galatia. that is why the words “gaelic” “celt” “Gaul” (in france) and the book of “Galatians” in the Bible are all connected.

but apart from that – your research is exemplary and your argument compelling.

i think i will refuse to be emergent also.

You must have gone to the Lighthouse Trails Research training school on what the emerging church is with some consulting by Carla by emergentno. You have found us all out.

[...] Why I’m not emergent or another post [...]

Do I have to sell my Vespa? I have been thinking for some time that it really is a tool of Roman domination anyway but now I realise that it is contrary to scripture as the two wheeled transport of God is the Triumph Motorcycle … though I’m not sure how it is possible to arrive in a Triumph? I also came across this warning in scripture against ECM clothing “you put on clothes but are not warm” Haggai 1… surely the Lord is saying that those who wear baggy cotton t-shirts and ripped jeans are of the Devil… He is calling us to be attired in the appointed and annointed attire.. thick multi-couloured arran knit jumpers and corduroy trousers with sensible shoes … anything else is surely apostate!

I’m not sure I understand it all but the talk about “eating their young” makes me hungry… gotta go.

I don’t have any children. Does that mean I couldn’t be emergent even if I wanted to be?
(On the other hand, I suppose most emergents don’t have any children any more either… )

[...] For those of you struggling with your consciences over this matter (or just in need of a sodding good laugh), read the rest of Mike’s thorough and detailed manifesto here. [...]

A reflective, well-reasoned and timely response to a burgeoning crisis. Crisis, I say. Burgeoning. Of course in these confused and uncertain times, it may be that many who dress casually, ride Vespas and eat their young during Celtic Moon Goddess rituals–naked, of course–don’t even know that they’ve become Emergent.

HELLO…tagline alert! “A burgeoning crisis. Crisis, I say. Burgeoning.” Emphatic, yet not at all alarmist.

Thanx, Aly. I’m honored more than you can know to be taglined in my first post to the blog. (Now, of course, the temptation is to audition for the tagline every time. One I must resist, for the good of my soul).

[...] And this guy totally sums up the “best” of the emergent critiques. Too bad Carson couldn’t have read his blog before writing his book. This is the kind of objective “conversation” he was obviously after! [...]

[...] 1. Finally, someone got the definition of Emerging folks accurate — and gave them visual images to go by. 2. Michael Lee does it with words. 3. And how about this raving definition by Greg Austin? 4. Jamie Arpin-Ricci posts a chapter he’s written on diversity. 5. Marko’s series of a “rant by a runt” is well worth the read, just to get us thinking about stuff. It begins with this post and will run to ten different posts. Marko, that’s longer than any of mine! [...]

Scot has pegged this perfectly over at Jesus Creed:

http://www.jesuscreed.org/?p=604

I wish I had his class and articulamation … ity.

Ok, OK, I won’t eat any more of my children. Just don’t say anything to the remaining kids though. It is amazing how well behaved they are now.

viva la prime kid — medium rare plz

[...] I tend to share Michael Lee’s view. I mean, who really wants to dress gothic or grunge these days. [...]

This article is laughable. Was the guy who wrote it serious? Next time he writes something he ought to put some more thought into it. I’m not necessarily part of the ECM, but I know enough to realize a poser when I see one.

Are you sure about that, Derek?

Excellent, Michael. Blog prooftexting. Way to flood this clever man with 20 million links just to shut him up.

Funny, you’d thing this many postive responses to your entry would preclude any need for people to do the chin-stroking “Hm. This guy needs to think this through a little better.” but I guess I’m dead wrong. After all, popularity doesn’t mean quality. I mean, look at Britney Spears.

You just might be the Britney Spears of Emergent Church satire.

Cerise

Oh, crap. Those weren’t links. They were pingbacks. DAMN YOU, BLOG IGNORANCE!! I take back my admiration of your link-flooding.

THINK, CERISE, THINK!!

Sarcasm has become a vice amoung the ECM flock. He actually had me going until the “eating the young” part!!! However I attend Imago Dei in Portland and rumors have gotten to us about that Mars Hill Church in Seattle. LOL I was starting to question my allegiance to my celtic wiccan roots.

Dudes, just as an FYI – I live in Seattle, and Mars Hill is not emerging one bit. They’re a seeker-sensitive fundie Sandy Patti concert who brag that they’ve got Goths in their congregation.

But not gay Goths. And their women are submissive.

They do eat their young, though. That’s why they’re such aggressive recruiters, because their next generation of fundies is the main entrée.

Cerise

Jon, welcome, by the way.

While I am not into ECM, as I have just heard about it… I am somewhat sympathetic. Every complaint raised is exaclty the same I have complained about the Baby Boomer churches, esp the seeker driven church and other models.

MacIke

I will eat the children if they have been immersed, not sprinkled.

Sharolyn – ha-HAAA. Good one…

Hey Michael, what kind of shoes do you have on? Would POMO-churches be considered as apart of the ECM? I hear the pastors at Freedomize don’t wear shoes. They be POMO. I think.

Scot McKnight gets it:

Emergent Dress

I always wondered how it took place. Why would someone go to the extreme though…

aww man, that is funny as hell…. (i’m guessing you aren’t really seriously against the ecm at heart, right?)

Not only was the original post hilarious, the comments are just priceless. I neded a good laugh.

In the same vein I have an article at The Doghouse on Jesus and megachurches. Enjoy and I’ll be back often.

http://azotuscafe.com/Doghouse/New/index2.htm

Mac

Oh man, is this thing still kicking around?

Hell yeah it is. Kicking around up in the HIZZY, my brothah.

[...] There are so many good blogs out there. So much wit and insight. Luke put me on to this one by Michael Lee that you just have to read. It’s called Why I Am Not Emergent. This article cleared up so much for me. I have seen the light. Enjoy. [...]

[...] O.K., so I swiped this off of a friends blog…rumor has it that he’s “logging off” permanently and I didn’t want to lose this jewel. I must confess, this little tidbit has won me over…I think I’m bailing on the Emerging Church along with him!//link// [...]

[...] .::link [...]

Hey Michael-

This is good stuff… I was wondering if I could have permission to publish this in next Month’s Next Wave?

Also, I’ve started a new Adventures in Emerging column that consists of photopieces like so

I’d love to feature some of the ones you’ve done like this one…

What do you think?

I can’t speak for Michael, but…hell, yes!

I actually can speak for Michael. He’s an employee.

Hell yes.

Well said. Possibly bordering on blasphemy…good place to be I think.

What was the order? Did it go

1) Brian McLaren’s 30 page article, “why I am emergent” (which I am not finding online)

then

2) James McDonald’s “Why I am not emerging”

then

3) This?

I just noticed I was the 100th responder! Is there a prize?

[quote comment="35157"]What was the order? Did it go

1) Brian McLaren’s 30 page article, “why I am emergent” (which I am not finding online)

then

2) James McDonald’s “Why I am not emerging”

then

3) This?[/quote]

Pretty much, except that I didn’t really read the McLaren article. (For a guy with ECM sympathies, I’ve read almost none of McL’s stuff. And the stuff I have read I didn’t particularly care for.)McDonald’s salvo came during a time when it seemed like every single “authoritative” voice in the evangelical and fundamentalist circles were giving their opinions on why the ECM was a heretical monster from the 9th circle of hell.

The one thing that they all had in common was a total lack of understanding of what the movement consisted of, heavy reliance on conjecture and hearsay, and an incredibly condescending tone. It’s my hope that this parody managed to capture all of those things.

I read the parody before I knew anything of the EC, and thought it was hilarious. It stands on its own, yet makes more sense now that I have done some reading.

I’m shocked that you haven’t read McLaren! I thought he was Mr. Emerging Church. I’m still learning.

How were you introduced to the emerging church? I had never heard of it before Addison Rd.

I’m not sure which “stream” you are in, but if you’re not floating into Lake Emerging I’m not sure who is.

Dude…for the last time get this straight….. I was not completely nude at the full moon festival. I was wearing RC Sproul boxers the whole time!

great piece of work! my hat’s off to you for making me smile today.

Blessings,

Chris Seay

Chris: yeah, but the fly was undone. Filthy heathen!

I agree with TSK. This analysis of and warning about the ECM is the best researched I’ve seen. It makes D.A. Carson look soooooo uninformed.

ECM does public nudity? Why didn’t anyone tell me?

You have no idea how many churches and religions that I have been kicked out of for practicing public nudity or even suggesting its practice. It’s unbelievable.

I thought when you were restored to an unbroken relationship with God, that you were supposed to drop the “fig leaf” and shed the animal skins for your natural created coverings. Coincidently, I have lost several church jobs for using a fig leaf.

Why is this so frowned upon? Is it because of the raw intensity of the sideways frown?

Well, from now on I am ECM through and through. Bring on the tasty babies!

“The raw intensity of the sideways frown”

Tagline alert!

This was my first introduction to addison road. Great to read it again!

[...] Why I Am Not Emergent at Addison Road (tags: humor emergent) [...]

[...] I’m Not Emergent… This is a very funny post written by some guy I don’t know.  But, I really like humor – especially [...]

Did you by chance read what you wrote at all? Im not part of the emergent church but I have done my fair share of research on the topic, and im pretty sure you just called it a cult. Its not a cult, its not gothic or mystical, its simply a group of people contextulizing the gospel to fit a culture without changing the gospel. Please do research before you post something like i heard my friend say they eat people.

God, I miss the ’90s. Remember when irony and satire were like a second language everybody understood? Yeah. Good times.

Remember “Reality Bites?” I still know how to precisely define “Irony,” because of that movie.

Plus, that was when Winona Ryder was super hot and not a klepto.

She was totally super hot. I loved that movie.