The Dementape Letters: Two

Posts in the The Dementape Letters series

  1. The Dementape Letters: One
  2. The Dementape Letters: Two
  3. The Dementape Letters: Three
  4. The Dementape Letters: Four
  5. The Dementape Letters: Five
  6. The Dementape Letters: Six

[The following correspondence was found in the storage area under the stairs in our condo, which is also where we keep the catbox. Its authenticity has yet to be verified...and honestly, it probably never will be, because what scientist in her right mind would attempt to authenticate letters from a demon??]

My dear niece Gutrot,

Yes, Pride is an obvious choice and no, you shouldn’t try for something more exotic…especially since this is your first post and you are just getting your tempter’s legs. Always start with the basics, not merely to exercise your skills, but also because most Subjects will fall for it. There is a reason they call it the Original Sin.

And yes, all the leaders in your local Emerging Church will be susceptible to Pride, but it is still my belief that the leader of Christian Service is your best opportunity as you begin, for two primary reasons:

1) Because the Enemy’s humblest Servants – those who are likely to be engaged in Service – are not accustomed to the esteem with which they are now regarded, since they have been largely ignored, or at most have been given half-hearted recognition in the form of shoddy, faux-parchment awards or gift certificates to restaurants they never frequent. (Such is the case of your Subject, as you know if you have done your homework and read her dossier. Before she became a part of the Emerging Community, she was the coordinator of the food pantry at Absolutely True Bible Full Gospel Church of Leased SUVs down the road, and she dreaded the annual “Celebrate Our Volunteers Dinner” when she would be made to eat rubbery chicken casserole with limp green beans, and then called forward to receive a gift card to Baker’s Square, accompanied by a soundtrack of desultory applause.) Your Subject has been suddenly thrust into a position of high regard, and she does not know how to cope. Her feelings of pleasure at finally being appreciated duel with her feelings of guilt for feeling pleasure. She is ripe for the tempting. If you can create enough conflict in her spirit, she will give up all together, and #2 (see below) takes care of itself.

2) Because these confounded Emergers, or Emergents, or whatever they are calling themselves, are on the verge of undoing countless demons hours of work by catching The Larger Vision of the Kingdom of God, which (as you and I both know) mainly entails giving away the Love of the Enemy and His repulsive Son to everyone around them, in word and deed. We have done truly great work in the last few decades, deceiving the Enemy’s Children into limiting their focus solely to the spiritual wellbeing of “the lost”…a wonderfully de-humanizing phrase they use without consideration about how it sounds to those very people they wish to “save.” (Remind me to tell you how skeptical we all were when Rashglop initially proposed the outlandish Shrink the Gospel Plan; it could have backfired with unprecedented spectacle…but Our Father Below – and I daresay, Rashglop, since he’s still alive to tell the tale – has been enormously pleased with the results. If you can’t hope for No Gospel, a Small Gospel is the next best thing.) If the Enemy’s Servants were to take up the Banner of God’s Kingdom…I am breaking out in hives this very minute thinking about the damage that could do to our Unholy Cause. Every person your Subject Serves and every person your Subject inspires to Service is a victory for the Enemy’s abhorrent Redemptive Agenda for Creation. We MUST put a stop to the Love and Compassion that threatens to spill out of the Enemy’s Children. There’s no coming back from that, Gutrot. The minute you convince your Subject to stop Serving because of the inner turmoil she is experiencing, the Enemy’s Agenda is thwarted…and it can’t be too soon.

Do you see the necessity of beginning your assignment with Christian Service? This will not be your only prong of attack, but I strongly suggest you pursue it exclusively while you are getting the lay of the land. We still do not know what the Enemy intends (outside of His usual) with this Emerging Church, and you should not be too hasty. Stick with what you know will work. Suggest to someone in the Community to take your Subject out to a truly fine dinner and make effusive statements such as “You should write a book on compassion,” or “Have you ever thought about motivational speaking?” over a bottle of Pinot Noir. She will be in tatters in no time.

Your vile and affectionate aunt,
Dementape

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5 thoughts on “The Dementape Letters: Two

  1. michael lee

    aly, i can’t get over how masterfully well crafted these two letters are. You’ve captured the gruesome whimsy of the original with such skill.
    .
    To the point at hand, your point is right on, I think. The temptation toward pride is strong in any “reformation” sort of movement, in all parts. The long-unrecognized servants are ripe for the plucking, as are the non-musical artists who are finally coming back into fashion.
    .
    I hope and pray with you that we see these rediscovered treasures as things to be eagerly shared, not as hip new distinctives to be lauded and lorded.

  2. aly hawkins Post author

    I believe Dementape and Gutrot will have the non-musical artists in their sights before too long. The idol of “artistic expression” is just too, ah…tempting.

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