I know the gender issue is making many people in the evangelical church very hot and bothered right now, and I’m hesitant to add to the melee. Sometimes there are so many people talking at once about one thing that the important words — gender, authority, marriage, headship, submission, etc. — start to sound like nonsense words, like when you write the word “pumpkin” too many times and it looks a bit off.
But fools rush in…
Where are all the women who are married to a good friend of theirs and most of the time they get along, but not always, and they talk about stuff and are trying to figure out life and God and the other small issues, but also how to deal with money and sex and kids and loud neighbors and the mortgage, in addition to encouraging each other in their chosen careers, helping each other find the balance of work, family, mission, God, golf? We never hear about this stuff! At least I don’t. In the women’s small group I was in a couple years ago, every time the conversation rolled around to marriage, dialogue suddenly switched into “how am I submitting” mode, like it was time to give the week’s report and be rewarded with chocolate or punished with holy feminine scorn. I realize that not every church has the same love affair with “Biblical womanhood” as ours has had for the last 25 years, but I think this submission-obsession is both widespread and an adventure in missing the point.
I fear that a misplaced focus on submission has replaced genuine care, investment, and work in many Christian marriages. Instead of wives that are working with their husbands to grow relationally and spiritually, we have domestic martyrs who have been told they will experience relational and spiritual success when they ignore their own needs, agree on the outside, never get angry, smile for the camera, and call it following Jesus. The scariest bit is how we’ve sneakily substituted a wife’s genuine experience of and relationship with God with imitative Marianism and neurotic martyrdom. Now, I don’t think it takes a genius Biblical scholar to see this is a twisted and manipulative intepretation of the perfectly fine word submission…yet this is how many women (and men) understand it! And over 50% of Christian marriages end in divorce. Little wonder.
When did we decide it was a really good idea to construct an immobile, unweildy, one-size-fits-all Ideal of Biblical Marriage? How on earth could we convince ourselves that it would work, given the Creator’s love of fashioning each of His image-bearers just the slightest bit unique? And why, in the name of Frank, would we make a rule and system and law when the only thing that will get us through this thing called marriage is Grace?
-ah
Great post.
I’ve never like the word submission. It leaves an awful taste in my mouth, because so often people use it when what they mean is “servility” or “docile.” That’s neither appealing nor biblical.
I like the hupeiko much better, because nobody knows what it means (including me), and I get to define it instead of letting the word define my meaning.
The Spirit hupeiko the Son
The Son hupeiko the Father
Hupeiko is Gethsemane
Hupeiko is Pentecost
Hupeiko is Parousia
Hupeiko is neither servile nor docile. It is not the emptying of person, of identity, of complexity, or of passion. It is the bringing to bear the full power and weight of those things to serve another person.
The Church hupeiko the Elders
The Young hupeiko the Old
The Children hupeiko the Parents
The Wife hupeiko the Husband
The Husband hupeiko the Wife
The people of God hupeiko each other, in imitation of Him.
Luke hupeiko Yoda. Simon hupeiko Paula. George hupeiko Ringo. Am I getting close?
Serious Response:
I pray that hupeiko becomes the normative standard for all believers everywhere.
My dearest Al, go to http://www.family.org (Focus on the Family) and all your questions about How to Submit will be answered. Lots of godly men have weighed in (and one godly woman) about the fact that wife MUST, WILL submit, but it’s all OK because the husband, while humbly accepting the mantle of Spiritual Headship, will in turn at least make a good stab at submitting in other ways. Also called Letting Her Have an Opinion before he makes the final decisions. Wifely consolation prize.
The lovely thing about being a liberal Episcopalian is that my church gives this topic about as much attention as they give the burning question: “Is Homosexuality an Abomination?” (Family.org also provides an excellent section for addressing this question, I assure you). Which is almost none at all. Us ‘piscos could care less, and when the “wives submit” scripture comes up in the lectionary, we just read it, go “Huh. Historical context.” and moooove on. I haven’t decided whether they’re choosing their battles and wish to concentrate on other things or if they think the whole submission thing’s kind of stupid and not worth the head-work. I’ve heard people say they just disagree with St. Paul and that’s that. And then my head exploded.
I don’t even know if the comments are checked this far back, but this post really struck a chord with me and I felt the need to comment on it.
I couldn’t agree more! I am a woman, a wife, a mother, among other things. I struggle daily with what each of these roles mean without allowing them to become so consuming that they completely define me. Submission among wives has come to mean complete subjection to your partner and ignoring anything that might be important to yourself. There is (or should be) nothing wrong with the word submission in its pure form. I don’t know how to help Christian women understand the beauty and turrmoil that marriage is. Thank the Lord for Grace, Love, and the blessing of being married to my best friend.
At our house, we all submit to the dogs.
Seriously, my wife, Karen, submissive? You’ve gotta be kidding.
I’ve been married for 25 years to the same man and we are each other’s best friend and never make a significant decision about anything without thoroughly hashing it out together. That’s not to say there have been no disagreements over the years but they have been minor. A truly Godly man is confident enough in himself to handle the scriptural concept of teamwork, i.e. Eph. 5:21, “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ”. In every instance that the Bible speaks of submission the context is on the willingness of the submitter and never something to be demanded by the one being submitted to. There is no instance where a husband is told to require submission on the part of his wife, he is only commanded to love her as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her. Both men and women get this wrong for two reasons:
1. It’s sometimes easier for both parties to play leader/follower than to really work at the relationship.
2. Most Christians never really spend time studying the Bible for themselves. They just hear something they like and run with it.
Essentially though, submission is a really tough thing for all of us, both male and female, married or un because we are all stubborn and self-centered and don’t want to submit to God’s plan for us and don’t believe he has our best interest at heart.
Don’t give up on the discussion. It’s worth the effort.